Breast Cancer in the Time of COVID-19 Part 5: The Weirdness of it All

NOTE: For the Introduction to this series, with links to Parts 1-4, click HERE.

Now that I've written about how I found out about my breast cancer, how the battle began, the side effects of chemo, teaching online during chemo and COVID-19, my mental and emotional battle, and the support of family and friends, I want to sum it all up with this post about the utter weirdness of it all. It has been the strangest experience of my life, so far. Everything is different than I ever imagined 2020 being, and has been since January. 

It's strange enough to be told you have cancer. It feels surreal. Suddenly everything has changed, and other people are making you appointments for medical imaging, procedures, bloodwork, and chemotherapy. There isn't really any choice in the matter; if you don't have treament, the cancer will grow, and will eventually disfigure and then kill you. Your body goes into an ongoing fight-or-flight mode. At least this is how it was for me, in late January and throughout February into mid-March. Up until that point, I felt like I was handling things pretty well, juggling work and treatment and time with family and friends. But then another major event rolled into the mix.

The COVID-19 virus seemed like something far away back in January, when I was diagnosed. By mid-March, however, it was evident that this was going to affect our lives far more than we had thought. On March 11th it was declared a global pandemic, and as schools headed into Spring Break, we teachers were told that everything would be shutting down for two weeks, or more. Suddenly EVERYTHING was different. 

I knew that with a suppressed immune system I would be having to avoid large crowds and isolating myself somewhat during chemo, but I had no idea that my whole family would have to shelter at home, wearing masks to go do grocery pickup and wiping down the groceries with sanitizing wipes. We had no idea that the pandemic would last over three months, that friends of ours would lose their jobs, that the economy would be so affected, that uncertainty about infection rates, contagiousness, and personal risk would multiply, or that now, in mid-June, we would still not know when it will all be over. The anxiety of having cancer is multiplied exponentially by a health crisis of this magnitude. I'm sure it's the same for anyone with a health condition that makes them more susceptible to a virus, or with children who have underlying health issues. It feels like it affected all the areas of our life that the cancer had not yet touched.

Before the COVID-19 pandemic, I could have still been teaching, seeing friends, going out to eat, meeting with church family, and generally living a normal life except for being ultra-cautious about germs and illness. But with the shelter-in-place guidelines, all of that ceased. In a way, it took a lot of the pressure off me. I could teach from home, so if I didn't feel the greatest, I no longer had to make the decision of whether to go out and teach or call a sub. Dealing with all the side effects of chemo has most likely been easier for me because I haven't had to travel around to various locations to teach, and haven't had any pressure to go out and be social. 

Now that our state has begun opening up, it's still weird, mostly because of all the unknowns. How much longer will we have to be concerned about getting COVID-19? A few months? A year? Forever? How bad would the virus really be? Is it possible we have already all had it, or been exposed to it, and just don't know? Should we wear masks in public, or does that make us not breathe enough oxygen? How do we know what to believe that is written online? There are many things that are uncertain. 

When will our lives ever get back to normal? Or will they not? Will we have a new normal, a different way of doing things based on my having had cancer and our avoidance of COVID-19? These are still unkowns. I tend to concentrate more on the knowns: my family, my friends, the things I have to do each day, and the beauty of nature when I reflect on it. 

Fortunately, one thing has not changed during all of this: God. His presence in our lives has been a constant throughout all of this turmoil and trial. I have had peace and strength that can only come from Him. He is not surprised by all these events, and so the weirdness of it all is mitigated by the knowledge that He has a plan, even though we don't know what it is. Thus, I have had to trust Him and put my future in His hands, as I always have since the day I first began to follow Jesus Christ. My future has always been in His hands, even before I was diagnosed with cancer and before COVID-19 swept across the globe. That makes the "weirdness" seem unimportant, compared to eternal things.

And so, I conclude my official series on having cancer in the time of COVID-19, but I will continue to write about my experiences. After two more rounds of chemo I'll be having an MRI, then surgery, and then radiation. Many more blog posts to come...

Breast Cancer in the time of COVID-19 Series Part 3: My Mental and Emotional Battle

When you hear the word cancer what goes through your mind depends on your own experiences. Have you had cancer before? Has a loved one had it? What type of cancer? How did treatment go? Did they die? Was it a horrible experience? What emotions are evoked? We each have our own background and thus our own inner landscape regarding this word. When it turns out to be personal, that is, when we wind up being the ones with cancer, it launches a mental and emotional battle whether we are ready for it, or not. In my case, I was mentally ready to hear it for a variety of reasons, but I don't know if that has made this fight any easier. The mental and emotional battle, which is perhaps easier to call the spiritual battle, is an on-going, ever-changing confrontation in my mind between my fears, concerns, and uncertainty on one side and my sense of peace, calm, and trust in God on the other. 

Let me back up a little. When I was growing up, I didn't really deal with any relatives having cancer. I knew of various distant relatives who had it, or friends of friends, but nobody within my immediate circle was struck with cancer. Then, about fifteen years ago, my mother called me to tell me she needed a breast biopsy. This turned out to be a type of breast cancer called Ductal Carcinoma in Situ. My sweet, loving, wonderful mom had to have a unilateral mastectomy, and then take Tamoxifen, a chemo drug, for five years afterwards. This was scary, unsettling, and downright awful, but I never thought even once that my mom would die from it. The cancer was tiny, had not spread, and my mom kept such a great attitude throughout it that I did not fear. Then my father-in-law had prostate cancer. Again, this did not seem like such a big deal. He did radioactive seeding, and the cancer was defeated. Okay, we all thought, so there are cancers that are not such scary bogeymen, but are defeatable and manageable.

Then, in 2007, my eight-year-old son was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma. 

Whoa.

This was not the same. My sweet, loving boy's life was at stake. I knew how tough this fight could be. We basically lived at the hospital for nearly three months. He had five week-long rounds of chemo with nasty side effects, and he became a thin, pale, energy-less facsimile of himself. There were times I cried and asked God why he hadn't just given me cancer, instead. My husband did the same. We cried together, we prayed together, and we tried to trust and stay calm. I could write an entire book about the experience, and probably some day I will, but to sum it up here, it was awful.  We felt so powerless, and could only do what the doctors said to do, and comfort our son as best we could. Thank God, all of the chemo worked and within about three months he was declared in remission from the cancer. He has remained cancer-free ever since then. But the experience took a toll on our family, especially on our son, who still, sometimes, deals with the stress, trauma, and anxiety of those dark days. 

Eventually our family emerged into the light of the post-cancer stage, and moved on. We laughed, we celebrated holidays, we traveled, we learned, and we wound up not thinking about it too much anymore. Then, at Christmastime in 2017, we heard the word cancer again, this time because our daughter, who was then 20, had to have her entire thyroid removed because of cysts and lumps, and one of them turned out to be papillary carcinoma of the thyroid. Her recovery from the surgery had been quite rough, and it was at her one-week follow-up appointment that the surgeon spoke those terrible words. "We had a bit of a surprise on the pathology report," he said kindly. "One of the lumps was cancerous." My stomach began to churn and heave, but I stayed calm on the outside. I looked at her; she looked at me. "Okay, I said, what do we need to do?"

Here we go again. The uncertainty, the knowing that cancer can cause people to die, the sense of being powerless and helpless against this foe that does not care who you are, what you've done, or how you want your life to go. Cancer just invades and takes over.

For our daughter, the treatment consisted of radioactive iodine, administered after two weeks of a strict little-to-no-iodine diet. She then had to stay away from all of us for several days except for brief interactions. I delivered meals to her room and checked on her frequently. She has now had two iodine scans since then, and has been free of cancer both times. She has another scan this Fall. We're still paying off her medical bills from all of this. But we figured our family had dodged a bullet yet again, and could move on to the post-cancer stage, getting back to normal life. My daughter doesn't take any day for granted, though, and I think none of us do.

Now back to my current reality. You can read about how I found my cancer and was diagnosed here. I'll fast forward through the story, which began last November, to January 23rd, when my OB/GYN called me. For a few days, since my ultrasound, I had been trying out the words in my head: I have cancer. Somehow, after the ultrasound, my mind and heart knew the truth already, and I began to prepare mentally for it, so that when I finally heard the words, it was not the horrible shock you might think it would be. 

That Thursday I was eating lunch with three of my closest friends, knowing that I would hear something that day or the next. We were laughing and talking, just generally having a good time, when my phone rang. My OB/GYN is also a friend, since I've been going to her for eight years, and for a few years I gave her educational advice and support about her teenagers, when they were in high school. She is also my eldest daughter's OB/GYN, and delivered both of my beautiful granddaughters. She knows me well enough to know that I didn't need any sugar-coating or build-up. I just needed the facts. "It's cancer, Alice," she said.  "It's also in one of your lymph nodes, so you'll have to have the whole gamut of treatment, surgery, chemo, and radiation. I hate this for you." I hate it for me, too, I thought. I knew that she was truly sympathetic, as her sister is fighting ovarian cancer and she is worried about possibly getting cancer, too. I agreed to keep her posted on my treatment, and we signed off. I walked back to the lunch table, sat down, and told my friends, "Well, that was my doctor. I have breast cancer."

I HAVE CANCER.

All three of them took my hands, then stopped and prayed with me immediately. I sat quietly weeping, letting their words wash over me as they talked to the God of the universe, asking Him to give me strength, peace, calm, endurance, perseverance, and ultimately total healing. And thus the battle began with prayer and with the support of friends and family. (More about that in my next post.)

But the main battle, the mental, emotional, and spiritual battle, is inside my own head every day. We all have this battle, but for me having cancer has intensified the struggle to stay upbeat and positive. Negative thoughts and emotions can crop up any time, and it's an effort of the will to combat them. I try to do it with Scripture, and with common sense or logical thoughts.  Scripture helps immensely, and thinking logically about things supports my mental well-being. For example:

What if I don't beat this cancer, and I die from it? 

    Scripture: 2 Corinthians 5:1  For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens.  6-8 So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord.

    Common sense: All human beings die at some point; we just don't know when we will die. I could die tomorrow in a car crash, or from some other disease. There is no reason to walk around being frightened of dying. 

All of this treatment is horrible to go through, so I'm just going to wallow in self-pity and depression. Why do I have to go through this?

    Scripture: Romans 5:1-5 Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

    Common sense: My treatments are the best way that doctors have figured out to eradicate the cancer cells in my body, and I have various methods of dealing with the side effects. The unpleasant effects will be temporary, and are something I must endure in order to beat the cancer. I can do this, and come out the other side a stronger, tougher person.

You get the idea. Any question or thought I have can be answered thus. 

Not that I don't have bad times, but my inner monologue in general stays positive, rather than being negative about everything. Yes, I have doubts and fears. I want to grow old with my husband, and see all three of my children established in their own homes, and see my grandchildren grow up. I want to keep teaching for many years, helping many young people become better communicators of their thoughts and of what they have learned. I want to run with my friends, and go to the beach and swim, and hike trails, and play games, and play the piano and sing, and cook good food. I don't want to die from breast cancer in my 50s, or any time, for that matter.

But you know what? I can still do most of these things right now, and the few that I can't, I'll be able to do again in a few months. I can keep living life, even during treatment, and enjoy every minute of it. This is what we should all be doing, anyway: living life joyously and gratefully each day, since we never know what day will be our last. 

The battle continues...

Breast Cancer in the time of COVID-19 Series Part 2: Teaching Online (aka The Silver Lining)

When I began my chemo treatments back in February, I was teaching college classes full-time, that is, dual-enrollment classes for high school students. I had four English 102 classes and one Spanish 102 class, all of them meeting three times a week except for one of the English classes, which met twice a week for a longer period of time. That means 14 class sessions a week, and I also had four different office hour times blocked out in between. I should also mention that these classes took place at three different locations across Savannah, which were our Point University campus and then two of the private schools, across town from each other. Some days I taught or had office hours at all three locations. Normally that schedule is fine, and keeps me active and on the go. But I had my worries and doubts about being able to keep it up during chemo. I had several colleagues lined up, ready to substitute if it all became too difficult for me. I had chemo February 20th, and then March 5th, and was able to manage it. 

Here is how it went: Chemo was on a Thursday afternoon. Friday I was still hyper from the steroid they gave me on Thursday, and I could teach all three of my classes that day (all at one location, thank God.) I got home and rested. Then Saturday and Sunday my body would "crash" into nausea and exhaustion. Lots of anti-emetic medication and rest, and some good nights of sleep, and by Monday morning I was ready to teach again. I did some teaching sitting down, and my students were amazingly understanding and nice about it all. About the time of my second chemo treatment on March 5th, my hair started falling out (see Part 1: Side Effects) and so I first cut my hair super-short for a few days, and then shaved my head. My students were right there in the battle with me, suggesting a mohawk style and encouraging me to brave the shave and take control of my hair. My next chemo would be March 19th, during Spring Break.

During that week before Spring Break, we all became aware that the COVID-19 outbreak had become much more than we expected. It became apparent that the epidemic was about to become a pandemic, and that things were about to get really strange. I had long talks with all my students about what online classes might be like, and how we would handle it, if we suddenly had to go online for "a few weeks." We left for Spring Break not really knowing if we would be back together in the classroom again for a while. 

Let me interrupt myself here to say that this past school year I was blessed with some truly incredible students at all three of the locations where I taught. I feel this way every year, and it seems like every year teaching just gets better and better. I love being in a classroom with young people, helping them to learn, grow, develop, improve, and become the young adults that God has called them to be.  Every year, as soon as I have class lists, I begin praying for each student by name so that when first semester begins I just have to put faces to the names. Still, I often have one or two students who are hard to reach, or a class that has a more difficult attitude as a group, and these things can present challenges. This year I didn't have any of that. I thoroughly enjoyed each of my classes, and looked forward to teaching them every day. At one school, a young man decided (after my diagnosis) that I needed "walk-on" music when I entered the room, much like baseball players have as they approach the plate to be at bat. Each day, when I arrived, he had music cued up, and sometimes he and other students danced. The songs were either appropriate to my cancer battle: "Beat It," "I Will Survive," "Don't Worry, About a Thing," and "Stayin' Alive," (which came with two students doing a choreographed Travolta dance,) or they were great 80s music or other songs that he knew I would like. My class on campus made it their mission to cheer me on through my treatments, bringing me gifts of things that could help, and praying for me. At the other school all the students were pulling for me, and several of them brought in presents. One young man rather shyly handed me a bag, and said, "Both of my granddaddies have battled cancer, and these are some things they said were helpful." Inside were two different types of Lifesavers mints and some ginger cookies, both of which have helped greatly through the nausea of chemo. Two of my students revealed to me that their moms had breast cancer last year, and they put me in touch with them for support. All of this is to explain why the idea of not seeing these students in person for a while was sad and disappointing.

Of course, that's exactly what happened. Early in the week during Spring Break, we found out that classes were moving online, at first for "a few weeks." Within a few weeks this was extended to the remainder of the year. During that Spring Break week, however, I and all my colleagues had to quickly figure out how to turn an in-seat course into an online course practically overnight. As the English and Spanish department head, I had to ensure that all the adjunct professors in my department were up and running. They all stepped up to the plate and knocked it out of the park! In one week everyone had class materials uploaded, calendars and checklists updated, and Zoom meetings scheduled. My class meeting times decreased to once a week for the previously twice-a-week class, and twice a week for the previously thrice-a-week classes. But my workload was about to increase as I created videos and PowerPoint presentations, graded papers online (it's far easier with an actual hard copy of the paper and a pen!) and created tests and lessons in the online environment. I emailed all my students to fill them in on how things would work, and we officially moved to an online format.

The students continued to be amazing. These precious young people signed in to Zoom from their isolation, sheltering in place at home. They could not hang out with their friends at school anymore. They couldn't play their sports or participate in any other extra-curricular activities any more. They had no prom, no special events at the end of the year. Even though the ending of their Senior year (for most of them) was basically ruined, they came through academically. They did their work, participated in class, spoke up, took tests online, adjusted to the new format, and in general excelled in an academic environment that was completely new to them. I became more impressed with them than ever. Some students who were always shy in class "spoke up" eloquently in the online Discussion Board format. Some students who were more gregarious in the classroom became more introspective and better listeners. Yes, a few of them disconnected somewhat, which was understandable given the bizarre circumstances. None of us had ever experienced anything like this before. I tried to make sure to communicate regularly and reach out to any of them who seemed to be struggling. The majority of them proved how adaptable and malleable they truly are. 

The low point, I think for all of us, was when one of my precious students lost her daddy to COVID-19. We were all praying for him, praying he would pull through and be healed, but sadly he passed away. This was sobering and depressing for all of the students at that school who were classmates with his daughter. She was such a trooper through it all. What can any of us say to help her grief? I was at a loss for words. I plan to stay in touch with her for as long as she'll let me from now on. 

As for us professors, we came through it stronger and with more abilities in our "toolbox," as some like to say, than we had before. I've talked with my adjuncts, and they all agree that we came out of the semester knowing a lot more about ourselves, our classes, and the educational and pedagogical techniques and modalities that we can use to educate and encourage our students. 

The silver lining for me in all of this, in case it hasn't crossed your mind, is that I was able to teach ALL of my classes from home, even on days when I didn't feel so good from chemo. Sitting in my dining room, I opened up a Zoom meeting and watched as my students all joined the class remotely. They still cheered me on my journey. I showed them my bald head, and advised them that they should be happy I put on makeup! We joked, laughed, talked, lectured, discussed, questioned, answered, sang, and generally did all the things we normally did in person, but now we did it all together but separately. The class of 2020 is seared indelibly in my mind. I can't wait to see what God has in store for them as they move on to college and beyond.

Christians on Social Media

Easter is one of the two times of the year when most Christians post overtly Christian things on Facebook, Twitter, and other social media; the other time is, of course, Christmastime. I'm not even sure how to put my thoughts into words about this topic, but I'm going to try.

I don't think there is anything wrong with posting pictures of the cross, verses, hymn lyrics, words of praise and thanks for Christ's death and resurrection now at Easter time, or all of the relevant things at Christmas: mangers, angels, baby Jesus, wise men, shepherds, and all the pertinent Scripture. I'm not bothered by anybody posting those things; it's nice to be edified by seeing other believers share their thoughts. What I wonder is: Why do Christians post all of those things for about two weeks, or less, out of the year, but then seem to ignore them the rest of the year? Sure, there are a few people who post Scripture verses on a regular basis, or who reference the Lord in their status updates, but the emphasis on Christ's incarnation, death, and resurrection only happens twice a year. The rest of the time it seems that most Christians on various social media don't refer to their beliefs much, if at all. The impression the rest of the world gets is that Christianity only matters at these two major holidays.

Shouldn't we be celebrating Christ's death and resurrection on a daily basis? Isn't that the gospel? That Jesus Christ died for our sins, was laid in a tomb, and on the third day ROSE FROM THE DEAD? This is what we are to be preaching to the world on a regular basis, not just once a year. I am resolving to post something about the resurrection on a weekly basis on Facebook this year. Maybe somebody will ask why I'm posting about it, since it won't be at Easter, and I'll have the opportunity to share the gospel with them, the gospel that is for all days, not just one weekend a year.

It's a command, not an option.

Yesterday during our house fellowship we found ourselves in Matthew 6.  We are currently studying through the book of Matthew, and when you study straight through books you can't avoid the passages that you don't like....
I have written about being anxious before.  I just want to point out, again, to myself and anybody else who struggles with worry, that we are commanded  in Scripture not to be anxious:

Matthew 6: 25 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? [7]28 And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Philippians 4: 4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. 5 Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; 6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Wow. I make supplication to the eternal, holy God of the universe, and He blesses me with His peace. Again, wow.

Compared to Whom?

One of the things I've noticed that we women tend to do a lot of is comparing ourselves to other women.  This is especially true in the home schooling community, but I believe it happens in our churches, in the workplace, and among friends.  I don't know if men do it as much as we do, but I think it's a serious problem for Christian women.  We compare ourselves both favorably and unfavorably with other women.  We do this in the areas of looks, weight, house-cleaning, children's academic and extra-curricular success, personality, career, handi-crafts, and I'm sure many other areas.  We either look at someone else and then put ourselves down:     

"She's so much thinner/prettier/more stylish than I am!"

"Her kids are so smart and accomplished. Why can't my kids do all that?"

"She's so nice and has so many friends. I don't know how she does that."

"Her house is like something in a magazine. I wish mine looked like that."

"She knows how to sew/knit/crochet/smock/paint/you-name-it, and I don't."

Or we look at someone else, and then puff ourselves up:

"At least I'm not as fat as so-and-so."
"Her kid can't possible have done all of that. I heard he's failing math."
"She may have lots of friends, but they probably aren't all REAL friends."
"She must not spend any time with her kids in order to keep her house so nicely. At least I spend time with my kids." OR "Her house is a total wreck! What a slob."
"I know how to sew/knit/crochet/smock/paint/you-name-it, and she doesn't."

Why do we do this?  I'm not the only one, am I?  In my case it tends to be more the putting-myself-down side, as in, "I'm fat, my house should be neater, I don't push my kids enough, etc."  


Our culture fosters this attitude.  Just look at the magazines as you check out at the grocery store.  Better still, DON'T look at the magazines, since the women on them are totally photo-shopped anyway.  Comparing yourself to them would be a huge mistake.  But those magazines all focus on making us feel that we must compare ourselves to some man-made standard of beauty, intelligence, or accomplishment.
So, what to do.....
I talked to one of my friends on the phone today, and she was encouraging me to take every thought captive, even sharing with me a circumstance in her life where she has been struggling to take every thought captive.  This really is a heart-and-mind issue, one which gets at the root of our very being.  As a Christian woman, I need to see what God's Word says
about all of this:

2 Corinthians 10:12  Not that we dare to classify or compare ourselves with some of those who are commending themselves. But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding.ESV

Ouch!  Without understanding!  That rather hurts, doesn't it?  Paul was speaking in the context of defending his ministry and teaching, but I think there is a principle to be applied.  If we are not to compare ourselves to others, then to whom should we compare ourselves?

Ephesians 5:1 Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. 2 And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.  ESV

Philippians 2:5 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, [1] 6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, [2] being born in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. 9 Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, 10 so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11 and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. ESV

Over the next days, weeks, and months I'll be concentrating on comparing myself to the only One who really matters. 

Ligonier Follow-Up

We came back from the Ligonier Conference over a month ago, and I can hardly believe it.  The day after we returned, we jumped straight into our church's VBS, and Bobby went off to Boy Scout Camp.  Right after that week, we had a nice week of "staycation" while Eric took a week off work, and we went only 45 minutes from home, over to his parents' condo.  We enjoyed the beach and the pool as well as the peace and quiet.  For the past nine days Eric and Mary have been gone on a mission trip to Rochester, N.Y.  They should be home tomorrow afternoon.  And finally, three days ago Eric's parents came home from spending eleven months in Kenya, teaching at Rift Valley Academy.


The conference itself was intense.  From Thursday evening through Saturday morning we listened to nine speakers address a variety of tough questions that Christians face.  We skipped three of the sessions--one to go to bed at a decent hour Thursday night, one Friday afternoon so we could enjoy the pool at the enormous World Marriott where the conference was held, and one to be able to leave at a decent time Saturday afternoon.  If you're interested in listening to these speakers, you can do it here under the Video Archives section.  I'm going to list the sessions here by speaker and topic, and Scripture reference if they used one main passage.  If anyone is interested in reading my notes on any of these I would be happy to type them up and e-mail them to you.  Just ask.


John MacArthur--Why Did Jesus Have to Die?  2 Corinthians 5:18-21
Michael Horton--Is the Doctrine of Inerrancy Defensible?  2 Timothy 3:14-17
R.C. Sproul--What is Evil and Where Did It Come From? 
Derek Thomas--How do We Know Which Interpretation is Right? 2 Peter 1:16-21
Steven Lawson--Is the Bible Just Another Book?  2 Timothy3:16-17
Alistair Begg--Is the Exclusivity of Christ Unjust?  John 3:16-21; 7:37-44, Acts 4:8-13
Al Mohler--Why Does the Universe Look So Old?  Genesis 1:1-2:3
Burk Parsons--Is Calvinism Good for the Church?  Ephesians 4:1
Derek Thomas--If God is Good, how Could He Command Holy War?  Joshua 6:1-21


If someone asked me who my favorite speaker is out of this group, I would be hard-pressed to pick one.  MacArthur, Sproul, Thomas, Lawson, Begg, and Mohler were all phenomenal.  I had a much harder time following and staying focused while listening to Horton and Parsons, but they were okay, too.  Al Mohler's session on creation was absolutely amazing, as was R.C.'s talk on the nature of Evil.


It was a blessing for our family to be able to all go together to this conference.  I thank God for it.

Tough Questions

This week we're going to the Ligonier national conference in Orlando, Florida.  I'm excited to once again hear great teaching and wonderful music.  This year's topic is "Tough Questions Christians Face."  A few of the questions they are tackling:

Why did Jesus have to die?
What is evil and where did it come from?
Why do Christians still sin?
Is the Bible just another book?
Is the exclusivity of Christ unjust?
Why does the universe look so old?
Can we enjoy heaven knowing of loved ones who went to hell?

It will be interesting to hear the various speakers address these questions, some of which I have actually been asked by non-Christians or by recently saved Christians.  I hope that they do point out, collectively, that the answers to some of these questions are based on faith, which is itself a gift from God.

The Fountains are Green Again in Savannah

You can see pictures and read about it here.  This, of course, is because Wednesday is St. Patrick's day, which is HUGE here.  What saddens me is how many people will pour into Savannah to booze it up and party, not knowing what Patrick really believed.  And here from National Geographic, nonetheless, is an excellent article from last year about who Patrick really was and what he believed.  No snakes.  No wearing "kelly green" (Patrick wasn't even Irish!) and no public drunkenness.  As for the real Patrick--I am currently reading a good book to Mary and Bobby about him.  It's entitled Flame Over Tara by Madeleine Polland.  We highly recommend it.

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.--George Santayana

Sixty-eight years ago today Japanese navy planes attacked the U.S. naval base at Pearl Harbor, Hawaii.  Most of you who read my blog probably don't need a long description of this event and its consequences for our country.  That's not what I'm writing about today, although it's a fascinating subject. When I was in high school I read everything I could get my hands on about WW II, and wrote a lengthy research paper on the Battle of Midway.  Names like Nimitz, Yamamoto, and the Enterprise, Hornet, Kaga, and Akagi still bring back memories for me of studying that battle in depth.

What's on my mind today, however, is this:  today will pass, for the majority of Americans, with little thought of the historical import of Pearl Harbor.  In February 2008 journalist Steven Knipp wrote for George Mason University's History News Network:

In 2001, the U.S. Department of Education reported that nearly six out of 10 high school seniors knew so little about their own nation’s history that many are basically historically illiterate.

The rest of his article is worth reading, if you can stand to read about just how uninformed American teenagers are these days.  I wonder how much they know about World History?

I don't have the time to get into the "Who is to Blame?" factor, especially since right now I'm supposed to be doing school with my own children, whose schoolwork has devolved into sitting across the table from each other seeing who can roll their tongue or turn it over.  Is it the schools' fault?  Parents?  TV? iPod? Video Games?  Individuals?  I really don't know.  I'm merely lamenting the fact that most people I know don't care about history, don't know about history, and apparently haven't learned anything from history.  As a Christian who believes God's Word is true AND historical, I value history highly.  It makes me sad that most people do not.

Two Trees

During our family Bible study this morning we discussed something that I had never really put into words before. We were talking about how the Bible is not only God's Word (inspired, inerrant, infallible) but also a great work of literature with all types/genres of writing in it(narrative, poetry, philosophical exposition, hymns, law, etc.) as well as all literary devices and great over-arching metaphors throughout. It's the greatest work of literature of all time. One of the symbols we see throughout the Bible is the tree: in the Garden--the tree of the knowledge of good and evil; in Psalm 1--the godly man as a tree planted by the water while the ungodly man is the tree that withers; in Revelation, the tree of life; and finally, the cross as a tree. We also see fruit used as a symbol: in the Garden (although I believe it was a real, edible fruit, it's also symbolic,) and the fruit of the Spirit; the word fruit is used 75 times in the New Testament.

Now the thing I had never really put into words before: In the Garden, Adam and Eve ate fruit off a tree, thus losing the innocence wherein they were created, and falling from that state into a state of sin. On the cross, Christ the Firstfruits of man ("But in fact Christ has been raised from the dead, the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep" I Cor. 15:20) was placed up on a tree and sacrificed atoning for our sin and allowing us to one day--in heaven--return to that state of innocence.

I think I need to do a word study on tree and fruit in the Bible to examine this symbolism more. I mean, I've always known that these words are used frequently, and I've heard sermons about them, but the idea of the fruit coming down off the tree and then Christ being put up on the tree is one I had never truly meditated on before...

The Blessings of a Christian Heritage

Something I've been ruminating on lately is how much I take for granted having grown up in a Christian home. There are a couple of reasons this is on my mind. One is that we had VBS last week at our church, and we had several children come from our community who had no previous experience with church. None. Some of these kids had never been in a church, never heard the Bible read or taught to them, never sung a song about the Lord. WOW. The other reason is that I have met and talked with several adults lately who, although they are Christians now, are suffering the consequences of their childhood/upbringing without any Christian influence. Their whole world view is different from the world view of someone who has been raised with a Biblical world view. They are struggling to learn what the Bible says about how they should live their lives, and to change how they live accordingly.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm perfect, have the perfect world view, and live a perfect life. Far from it. But I was blessed to grow up in a home in which: we studied God's Word together as a family; I saw my parents serving, worshiping, and praying; I was taught about modesty, sobriety, stewardship, and self-control (among other things); I learned that Christians CAN have a sense of humor, have fun, and have joy; I learned how to think Christian-ly (sorry for the made-up word.) My world view was shaped and molded in an environment that fostered both intellectual and spiritual pursuits.

Throughout my adult life I have been reminded often that not everyone grew up the way I did. Not everyone had parents who advocated lots of reading and musical development, cultural literacy as well as spiritual growth. Not everyone had parents who modeled a good Biblical marriage and parenting. Not everyone has been blessed as I have. Does this make me better? NO. Why did I have this advantage? I don't know. It surely humbles me...drives me to my knees to thank God for my parents, my in-laws, my husband, my children, and makes me appreciate them more.

I'll keep pondering it. And I'll keep it in mind as I counsel, pray for, and talk with others whose life experiences are vastly different from mine.

Spoke too soon...

I finished my last post by promising to write about why we were having a respite from troubles. A day or two later I got sick. Upper respiratory infection that led to acute bronchitis and then to allergy-induced asthma. So here I am 2+ months later finally writing. I still think our family is in a relatively calm period of life. The kids are all pretty healthy, which I used to take for granted but never again. Eric is truly enjoying ministering and preaching at our church Chevis Oaks Baptist, and I'm also enjoying being part of life there as well as home schooling the kids, teaching piano lessons, and generally loving life in our new home. We are so blessed to have the friends that God has given us. Our house is perfect for our family. Our church is an alive, loving place with people who really love the Lord and want to grow spiritually. So what if I was sick for a month and a half? As my husband/pastor so eloquently reminded us Sunday night, we all deserved the Lake of Fire, but God has saved us from that. So what else could be that bad?

I do think there are reasons for our current season of calm. (Oh, Lord, please let it last a little longer!) The first is that we needed this after two and a half years of transient living and uncertainty. The kids in particular needed a sense of stability and peace. The other reason that I'm seeing more and more is that Eric and I both need a place of calm and quiet to refresh ourselves since being in ministry takes a lot of energy. We have people in our church who are dealing with
tough issues in life, among them: marital difficulties, illness (their own or a relative's,) job insecurity, children in crisis, unanswered spiritual questions. In order to be able to help them/encourage them/talk to them/cry with them/pray with them we need a fairly calm life of our own. To take on others' burdens is a privilege, mind you. I find it actually blesses me and strengthens me to be there for others. But if Eric and I were dealing with crises in our own lives, we wouldn't be able to help others.

Since we don't know the mind of God I won't dare to guess what our next real trial will be. Please don't misunderstand, our lives aren't perfect (whose life is?) We have to budget our money, discipline our kids, pay taxes, clean the house, do the laundry, pay the bills, etc. But these are merely the normal tasks of life. During this time we need to be sure to stay in God's Word and not slack spiritually. Isn't it funny how we tend to cling most tightly to the Lord in times of trouble? Should I be praying FOR a trial? Or should I be thanking God we're not in one right now? Or both?

Seventeen Years...

...ago today Eric and I were married. Words cannot adequately describe how blessed I am to have Eric as my husband. God has given me a godly, sweet, caring, intelligent and funny man to be married to for life. During our marriage we have lived in three states and the country of India, had three children, gone through a cerebral aneurysm with one child and cancer with another, and seen Eric's profession of school psychologist change to the calling of being a minister. The foundation that has kept us solid through all of this is our relationship with the Lord. I don't know how anyone who doesn't know the Lord can go through some of the things that we have endured. But because the center of our marriage is God, the center holds when other things seem to be spinning wildly. The Lord has promised good to me, His word my hope secures. He will my shield and portion be as long as life endures.

Eric, I love you! Happy anniversary.

Being Disciplined--What I'm Learning

No, this isn't a post about whether to spank or not to spank. It's not even about spanking at all. I just thought the picture would get your attention.

I've been thinking a lot about what it is that God is teaching me through the difficult circumstances of my life. It's actually discipline, you know. Not the "you were naughty and must be spanked" kind of discipline, but the kind described in this definition. Part of the definition is: "1. Training expected to produce a specific character or pattern of behavior, especially training that produces moral or mental improvement." which then leads to "2. Controlled behavior resulting from disciplinary training; self-control."

We tend to think of discipline as always being punitive in nature, so when things happen in our lives that are unpleasant or produce suffering, we don't like to say that God is disciplining us. We often say that He is testing us, or has merely allowed these things to happen and will somehow work them for good. But if we see the word discipline as a good thing, a training, a teaching, our perspective can change. Go to Bible Gateway and do a search of the word "discipline." (I did the NASB and the NIV.) What rich treasures we find in God's Word regarding His love for His children and His discipline of us. Think of it this way--if Eric and I never disciplined/taught/trained our kids, we would be poor parents, indeed. See how God's Word echoes this:

Hebrews 12
God Disciplines His Sons

1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

4In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 5And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
6because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."

7Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? 8If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. 9Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! 10Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. 11No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

There are many other places in Scripture that encourage us to accept discipline joyfully. Job 5:17 tells us not to despise the discipline of the Almighty. Psalm 94:12 says we are blessed when God disciplines us. Proverbs 3:12 says that God disciplines those He loves.

So, I don't think God is punishing our family for anything with all that has happened, but I do think He is disciplining us, in order to make us better disciples. We are being stretched, and growing. We are learning patience, endurance, trust, long-suffering, hope, faith, and the utmost importance of fixing our eyes on Jesus. We are learning the grave importance of self-discipline in the areas of Bible study, prayer, and fasting.

What is it all for? What about that big question: WHY? Some people would say that we may never know until we get to heaven, and it's true we may never know the specifics of "why?" But I'd like to think that we do know the general reason: It is for making us more like Him. It is for molding us into His image, getting rid of the dross so that we may be purified. Ow, it's painful and unpleasant! But we sure are looking forward to that harvest of righteousness and peace.

Spirit of the living God, fall fresh on me.
Spirit of the living God, fall fresh on me.
Melt me, mold me, fill me, use me.
Spirit of the living God, fall fresh on me.

So Many Thoughts Tumbling....

around in my head these days. It's hard to even put things into words or at least, words that make sense. I was in a depressed state for a while there and feel like I've come out of it. Reading Elizabeth George's Finding God's Path Through Your Trials, which I haven't finished yet, has really challenged me to "count it all joy" and quit feeling sorry for myself and my family. I had forgotten for a few weeks to count my blessings and instead was totaling up my worries. When will Eric get a job? Where will we live? How will we not go bankrupt before this all happens? What about setting up a house? Where will we get everything? What if Bobby really isn't in remission and the cancer comes back?

I have a genetically inherited tendency to worry about things (no disrespect intended, Mom) and I have to fight that tendency pretty hard right now. In God's Word I read "Do not be anxious about anything" and "Cast all your cares upon the Lord" and "I waited patiently for the Lord, He inclined and heard my cry." The trouble for me is how to put these things into effect day-to-day. The Lord has been helping me. A few weeks ago He sent our friend Rachel to us for the day to encourage us in our prayer life and in fasting. Her account of revival at her church was inspiring and made me stop and take stock of my own life. Do I long for personal revival as well as universal-church-wide revival? Am I in the Word daily, praying during a devotional time as well as throughout the day in order to stay in close contact with the Lord? I have decided that all I can really do right now is learn to count life on hold as joy.

I went back and read my post from last year about this same topic and reminded myself of a few things: God is in control. I do not have to be in control. There are plenty of things to do while we are waiting on the Lord. Things could be a lot worse: we have a nice, pleasant house to live in, Bobby is in remission, the girls are doing well, we are all healthy, we have a great church to attend, we have lots of friends to call on in times of need, and we are saved by His grace and mercy. When I put things in perspective I am overwhelmed at God's goodness and love. And when I'm tempted to start worrying again, or feeling down,I can always go to His word and meditate on it. Phil. 4:8 helps a lot, as does that good ol' stand-by Prov. 3:5-6.

Another thing that helps, and about which I've blogged before is being thankful for everything God has given me. Right now at the top of that list is my husband, Eric. He is amazing. I know it's driving him nuts not to have a job right now, but he still treats me like a queen. And I love the fact that he leads our family in Bible study together almost every day (not usually on Sundays or Wednesdays.) He has been teaching us through the each book of the Bible, not reading through every book, but learning the basics about each book: who is the author (if known,) what are the theme/main passages/main ideas, what are the main things we can learn from it. It has been wonderful so far. We are in Psalms right now. I feel so blessed to have a husband who loves God's Word and wants our children to know it and love it, too.

Current Reading Material

About a month ago I gave a list in one of my posts of the books I was reading:
Family Driven Faith by Voddie Baucham
Culture Shift by Al Mohler
What's So Great About Christianity? by Dinesh D'Souza
The Power of a Praying Parent by Stormie Omartian
Carry On, Mr. Bowditch by Jean Lee Latham.

I have finished all of these except The Power of a Praying Parent, which is kind of an ongoing thing. More about these books in a second. My new list looks like this:

Non-Fiction:
Finding God's Path Through Your Trials--Elizabeth George
His Excellency George Washington--Joseph J. Ellis
Lies Women Believe--Nancy Leigh DeMoss

Christian Fiction:
Sommerfeld Trilogy--Kim Vogel Sawyer--currently on book two
The Sword of Lyric Trilogy--Sharon Hinck--currently on book three

I have previously reviewed Carry On, Mr. Bowditch and What's so Great About Christianity?
To those reviews let me add two short reviews:

Culture Shift--Al Mohler
This is a quick read, and an excellent book. In it Mohler explains how Christians must engage the culture, and delineates the areas in which we have dropped the ball as far as understanding the major shifts in our culture throughout the last generation. He addresses politics, education, law, science, morality, world news and Christian character. If you have the chance, read this book.


Family Driven Faith--Voddie Baucham
I actually finished this one over a month ago. If you have children, please read this book. You may not agree with everything Baucham espouses (he doesn't believe in children's church or youth groups, he does believe in homeschooling, etc.) but he backs up his assertions with both scripture and statistics that will knock your socks off. It is well-written, easy to read, and yet very convicting as he explains clearly that the responsibility for our children's faith and religious beliefs falls not on their Sunday School teacher, Youth Pastor, AWANA leader, or Bible class instructor, but on US--the parents. OUCH! This is such a good book I think it should be given to all new parents in churches.

Okay--that's it for now. I may blog more later tonight about our lives and what we're up to....

What's So Great About Christianity?

That is the question addressed by Dinesh D'Souza in his recent book of that title. In it, he uses evidence from history, theology, philosophy, and science to show the incredible impact Christianity has had on the world. If you are a Christian, as I am, you may be saying "Well, of course! I've always known this!" But wait--you may not be aware of many of the aspects of history D'Souza addresses in this book: the biased presentation historians give of the crusades while generally ignoring Muslim atrocities, and the numbers of people killed under atheist regimes compared to "Christian" killings i.e the Inquisition, the Salem witch trials, etc., D'Souza clearly elucidates these issues. His book is deep and complex, yet readable and understandable. I disagree with his position on reconciling evolution and creation,(At what point would man have been "evolved" enough for God to breathe a spirit into him? Were Adam and Eve not real people but rather archetypes of humanity as expressed in mythological literature? There are some questions here about the truth of the Bible) but in the other areas he addresses, I think he's right on the money. The last chapter becomes much more personal, as he describes what Christianity means to each of us as individuals. He ends the book with "Come quickly, Lord Jesus." D'Souza also has several other books that are worth reading:

The Enemy at Home
Letters to a Young Conservative
What's So Great About America
The Virtue of Prosperity
Ronald Reagan
The End of Racism
Illiberal Education

I especially appreciate the fact that he writes about conservative issues without becoming sarcastic, harsh, and vitriolic as some other conservatives do (Ann Coulter and Bernard Goldberg come mind.) If you want some good intellectual stimulation, D'Souza's books are just the thing.

Counting Just a Few...

When I stop to count my blessings, I realize that there are too many to include in one blog post, so I'll just list a "few" today:

1. My salvation, and God's Word
2. My godly husband
3. My three children
4. Bobby is cancer-free
5. I was raised in a Christian home with godly parents
6. I have wonderful, godly parents-in-law
7. Except for Bobby's cancer, we have all been very healthy lately
8. We were privileged to live overseas for almost five months.
9. Wonderful family members and friends (if I started listing them it would go on and on)
10. Free minutes to my my-Faves numbers means I can call my sisters any time
11. Ditto for calling my parents
12. Electricity that is on 24-7
13. Wal*Mart (I know--it also falls under the "curse" category)
14. Quiet nights in Pooler, GA
15. Enough food every day
16. Heated house
17. Clean water straight out of the tap
18. Nice church to attend, with great people
19. Free housing for the last 10 months
20. A nice van (thanks M & D)
21. Music
22. Good books to read
23. Beauty in nature
24. A washing machine and dryer
25. All kitchen appliances
26. Blow dryer
27. Hair straightener
28. Easy communication through e-mail and Skype
29. Comfy bed to sleep in at night

I could go on and on, getting more specific. Like, in the food category: strawberries, chocolate, broccoli (yes, that's not a joke--I love broccoli, and in India we only had it twice in four and 1/2 months,) apples, ice cream, etc. etc.
Or, in the music category: playing the piano, listening to music, singing in the choir, hearing others sing...etc.

See, it's fun to count your blessings! And it makes me see that God has indeed blessed my life, even during times of extreme duress. More about that later.

Today Resolutions

This is the time of year when many people make "New Year's Resolutions" which they plan on putting into effect on January 1st, saying "2008 is the year that I will finally..lose weight, do my devotions daily, not lose my temper at my kids, send everyone I know a birthday card (on time,) spend more time with family, keep the house sparklingly clean, make sure my car has all needed maintenance on schedule, tithe regularly, go on a monthly date with my spouse"...you get the idea. Then they go out and do whatever they want for the next few days with the idea that they'd better get in all their fun before they have to shape up and start living up to their resolutions. I'm not saying that it's wrong to make some decision to change for the better, or to make long-range life goals. In fact, I need to make some of those resolutions myself..or maybe all of them. But why wait until January 1st to start? Why not start today? One resolution I have made is to stop procrastinating. I read Mick Huckabee's book Quit Digging Your Grave with a Knife and Fork: A 12-Stop Program to End Bad Habits and Begin a Healthy Lifestyle recently, and one of his main points is that people need to stop putting off change for lame reasons that don't really matter. So my problem with New Year's Resolutions is two-fold. First, if you break them it's too easy to say, "Well, I didn't make it this year, I'll try again next year" or to just give up, thinking that you have no will-power. Second, we try to make these changes on our own, as though somehow if we just wish for it enough or think about it enough, we'll change. A better approach would be to look back over the past year, confessing to the Lord the ways in which our lives have not pleased Him, and asking for His help to change. Change may be painful, but it can happen slowly and steadily in our lives.

So I propose making Today Resolutions, which would sound something like this: "Today, with God's help and under His guidance, I will strive to (insert resolution here). If we fail at it, we ask God's forgiveness and make the same resolution the next day. We lean on His strength and not our own to change. We enlist accountability partners to check on us and our progress. We scrutinize our lives for what small things need to change in order to effect change on a grander scale. And speaking of scales, that's my first Today Resolution: never get on a scale again Instead of worrying about the scale, I need to exercise daily, eat healthy balanced meals, and avoid refined sugar and fried foods. But I can only do this with the Lord's help. I'm not waiting for January 1st to make some resolutions in my life. I'm starting today.