Breast Cancer in the Time of COVID-19 Part 5: The Weirdness of it All

NOTE: For the Introduction to this series, with links to Parts 1-4, click HERE.

Now that I've written about how I found out about my breast cancer, how the battle began, the side effects of chemo, teaching online during chemo and COVID-19, my mental and emotional battle, and the support of family and friends, I want to sum it all up with this post about the utter weirdness of it all. It has been the strangest experience of my life, so far. Everything is different than I ever imagined 2020 being, and has been since January. 

It's strange enough to be told you have cancer. It feels surreal. Suddenly everything has changed, and other people are making you appointments for medical imaging, procedures, bloodwork, and chemotherapy. There isn't really any choice in the matter; if you don't have treament, the cancer will grow, and will eventually disfigure and then kill you. Your body goes into an ongoing fight-or-flight mode. At least this is how it was for me, in late January and throughout February into mid-March. Up until that point, I felt like I was handling things pretty well, juggling work and treatment and time with family and friends. But then another major event rolled into the mix.

The COVID-19 virus seemed like something far away back in January, when I was diagnosed. By mid-March, however, it was evident that this was going to affect our lives far more than we had thought. On March 11th it was declared a global pandemic, and as schools headed into Spring Break, we teachers were told that everything would be shutting down for two weeks, or more. Suddenly EVERYTHING was different. 

I knew that with a suppressed immune system I would be having to avoid large crowds and isolating myself somewhat during chemo, but I had no idea that my whole family would have to shelter at home, wearing masks to go do grocery pickup and wiping down the groceries with sanitizing wipes. We had no idea that the pandemic would last over three months, that friends of ours would lose their jobs, that the economy would be so affected, that uncertainty about infection rates, contagiousness, and personal risk would multiply, or that now, in mid-June, we would still not know when it will all be over. The anxiety of having cancer is multiplied exponentially by a health crisis of this magnitude. I'm sure it's the same for anyone with a health condition that makes them more susceptible to a virus, or with children who have underlying health issues. It feels like it affected all the areas of our life that the cancer had not yet touched.

Before the COVID-19 pandemic, I could have still been teaching, seeing friends, going out to eat, meeting with church family, and generally living a normal life except for being ultra-cautious about germs and illness. But with the shelter-in-place guidelines, all of that ceased. In a way, it took a lot of the pressure off me. I could teach from home, so if I didn't feel the greatest, I no longer had to make the decision of whether to go out and teach or call a sub. Dealing with all the side effects of chemo has most likely been easier for me because I haven't had to travel around to various locations to teach, and haven't had any pressure to go out and be social. 

Now that our state has begun opening up, it's still weird, mostly because of all the unknowns. How much longer will we have to be concerned about getting COVID-19? A few months? A year? Forever? How bad would the virus really be? Is it possible we have already all had it, or been exposed to it, and just don't know? Should we wear masks in public, or does that make us not breathe enough oxygen? How do we know what to believe that is written online? There are many things that are uncertain. 

When will our lives ever get back to normal? Or will they not? Will we have a new normal, a different way of doing things based on my having had cancer and our avoidance of COVID-19? These are still unkowns. I tend to concentrate more on the knowns: my family, my friends, the things I have to do each day, and the beauty of nature when I reflect on it. 

Fortunately, one thing has not changed during all of this: God. His presence in our lives has been a constant throughout all of this turmoil and trial. I have had peace and strength that can only come from Him. He is not surprised by all these events, and so the weirdness of it all is mitigated by the knowledge that He has a plan, even though we don't know what it is. Thus, I have had to trust Him and put my future in His hands, as I always have since the day I first began to follow Jesus Christ. My future has always been in His hands, even before I was diagnosed with cancer and before COVID-19 swept across the globe. That makes the "weirdness" seem unimportant, compared to eternal things.

And so, I conclude my official series on having cancer in the time of COVID-19, but I will continue to write about my experiences. After two more rounds of chemo I'll be having an MRI, then surgery, and then radiation. Many more blog posts to come...

Breast Cancer in the time of COVID-19 Series Part 3: My Mental and Emotional Battle

When you hear the word cancer what goes through your mind depends on your own experiences. Have you had cancer before? Has a loved one had it? What type of cancer? How did treatment go? Did they die? Was it a horrible experience? What emotions are evoked? We each have our own background and thus our own inner landscape regarding this word. When it turns out to be personal, that is, when we wind up being the ones with cancer, it launches a mental and emotional battle whether we are ready for it, or not. In my case, I was mentally ready to hear it for a variety of reasons, but I don't know if that has made this fight any easier. The mental and emotional battle, which is perhaps easier to call the spiritual battle, is an on-going, ever-changing confrontation in my mind between my fears, concerns, and uncertainty on one side and my sense of peace, calm, and trust in God on the other. 

Let me back up a little. When I was growing up, I didn't really deal with any relatives having cancer. I knew of various distant relatives who had it, or friends of friends, but nobody within my immediate circle was struck with cancer. Then, about fifteen years ago, my mother called me to tell me she needed a breast biopsy. This turned out to be a type of breast cancer called Ductal Carcinoma in Situ. My sweet, loving, wonderful mom had to have a unilateral mastectomy, and then take Tamoxifen, a chemo drug, for five years afterwards. This was scary, unsettling, and downright awful, but I never thought even once that my mom would die from it. The cancer was tiny, had not spread, and my mom kept such a great attitude throughout it that I did not fear. Then my father-in-law had prostate cancer. Again, this did not seem like such a big deal. He did radioactive seeding, and the cancer was defeated. Okay, we all thought, so there are cancers that are not such scary bogeymen, but are defeatable and manageable.

Then, in 2007, my eight-year-old son was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma. 

Whoa.

This was not the same. My sweet, loving boy's life was at stake. I knew how tough this fight could be. We basically lived at the hospital for nearly three months. He had five week-long rounds of chemo with nasty side effects, and he became a thin, pale, energy-less facsimile of himself. There were times I cried and asked God why he hadn't just given me cancer, instead. My husband did the same. We cried together, we prayed together, and we tried to trust and stay calm. I could write an entire book about the experience, and probably some day I will, but to sum it up here, it was awful.  We felt so powerless, and could only do what the doctors said to do, and comfort our son as best we could. Thank God, all of the chemo worked and within about three months he was declared in remission from the cancer. He has remained cancer-free ever since then. But the experience took a toll on our family, especially on our son, who still, sometimes, deals with the stress, trauma, and anxiety of those dark days. 

Eventually our family emerged into the light of the post-cancer stage, and moved on. We laughed, we celebrated holidays, we traveled, we learned, and we wound up not thinking about it too much anymore. Then, at Christmastime in 2017, we heard the word cancer again, this time because our daughter, who was then 20, had to have her entire thyroid removed because of cysts and lumps, and one of them turned out to be papillary carcinoma of the thyroid. Her recovery from the surgery had been quite rough, and it was at her one-week follow-up appointment that the surgeon spoke those terrible words. "We had a bit of a surprise on the pathology report," he said kindly. "One of the lumps was cancerous." My stomach began to churn and heave, but I stayed calm on the outside. I looked at her; she looked at me. "Okay, I said, what do we need to do?"

Here we go again. The uncertainty, the knowing that cancer can cause people to die, the sense of being powerless and helpless against this foe that does not care who you are, what you've done, or how you want your life to go. Cancer just invades and takes over.

For our daughter, the treatment consisted of radioactive iodine, administered after two weeks of a strict little-to-no-iodine diet. She then had to stay away from all of us for several days except for brief interactions. I delivered meals to her room and checked on her frequently. She has now had two iodine scans since then, and has been free of cancer both times. She has another scan this Fall. We're still paying off her medical bills from all of this. But we figured our family had dodged a bullet yet again, and could move on to the post-cancer stage, getting back to normal life. My daughter doesn't take any day for granted, though, and I think none of us do.

Now back to my current reality. You can read about how I found my cancer and was diagnosed here. I'll fast forward through the story, which began last November, to January 23rd, when my OB/GYN called me. For a few days, since my ultrasound, I had been trying out the words in my head: I have cancer. Somehow, after the ultrasound, my mind and heart knew the truth already, and I began to prepare mentally for it, so that when I finally heard the words, it was not the horrible shock you might think it would be. 

That Thursday I was eating lunch with three of my closest friends, knowing that I would hear something that day or the next. We were laughing and talking, just generally having a good time, when my phone rang. My OB/GYN is also a friend, since I've been going to her for eight years, and for a few years I gave her educational advice and support about her teenagers, when they were in high school. She is also my eldest daughter's OB/GYN, and delivered both of my beautiful granddaughters. She knows me well enough to know that I didn't need any sugar-coating or build-up. I just needed the facts. "It's cancer, Alice," she said.  "It's also in one of your lymph nodes, so you'll have to have the whole gamut of treatment, surgery, chemo, and radiation. I hate this for you." I hate it for me, too, I thought. I knew that she was truly sympathetic, as her sister is fighting ovarian cancer and she is worried about possibly getting cancer, too. I agreed to keep her posted on my treatment, and we signed off. I walked back to the lunch table, sat down, and told my friends, "Well, that was my doctor. I have breast cancer."

I HAVE CANCER.

All three of them took my hands, then stopped and prayed with me immediately. I sat quietly weeping, letting their words wash over me as they talked to the God of the universe, asking Him to give me strength, peace, calm, endurance, perseverance, and ultimately total healing. And thus the battle began with prayer and with the support of friends and family. (More about that in my next post.)

But the main battle, the mental, emotional, and spiritual battle, is inside my own head every day. We all have this battle, but for me having cancer has intensified the struggle to stay upbeat and positive. Negative thoughts and emotions can crop up any time, and it's an effort of the will to combat them. I try to do it with Scripture, and with common sense or logical thoughts.  Scripture helps immensely, and thinking logically about things supports my mental well-being. For example:

What if I don't beat this cancer, and I die from it? 

    Scripture: 2 Corinthians 5:1  For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens.  6-8 So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord.

    Common sense: All human beings die at some point; we just don't know when we will die. I could die tomorrow in a car crash, or from some other disease. There is no reason to walk around being frightened of dying. 

All of this treatment is horrible to go through, so I'm just going to wallow in self-pity and depression. Why do I have to go through this?

    Scripture: Romans 5:1-5 Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

    Common sense: My treatments are the best way that doctors have figured out to eradicate the cancer cells in my body, and I have various methods of dealing with the side effects. The unpleasant effects will be temporary, and are something I must endure in order to beat the cancer. I can do this, and come out the other side a stronger, tougher person.

You get the idea. Any question or thought I have can be answered thus. 

Not that I don't have bad times, but my inner monologue in general stays positive, rather than being negative about everything. Yes, I have doubts and fears. I want to grow old with my husband, and see all three of my children established in their own homes, and see my grandchildren grow up. I want to keep teaching for many years, helping many young people become better communicators of their thoughts and of what they have learned. I want to run with my friends, and go to the beach and swim, and hike trails, and play games, and play the piano and sing, and cook good food. I don't want to die from breast cancer in my 50s, or any time, for that matter.

But you know what? I can still do most of these things right now, and the few that I can't, I'll be able to do again in a few months. I can keep living life, even during treatment, and enjoy every minute of it. This is what we should all be doing, anyway: living life joyously and gratefully each day, since we never know what day will be our last. 

The battle continues...

The Prayers of a Righteous Man (or Woman)

Yesterday afternoon when my first piano student arrived I was feeling pretty stressed. I have been battling iron-deficiency anemia for several months now, and had an allergic reaction in February to the iron supplements my doctor prescribed, so I've been trying to concentrate on eating lots of iron-rich foods. Last month my hemoglobin was a 12.1, which is just above the low end of the normal range for a woman my age. I've been eating lean red meat, spinach, cream of wheat, and other iron-rich foods, but yesterday when I had my hemoglobin checked it was only 10.3. So, now I have an appointment next week to discuss this with my doctor. I'm feeling tired, stressed, and completely without energy. Exercising makes it worse.

On top of all of this, I got a call from Dustin at the automotive shop that has Caroline's car, saying that the head gasket is fixed ($1700) but that the car appears to have some sort of electrical problem, and could I please authorize some labor hours for them to find the source of the problem.
Me: "How many hours are you talking about here?"  (labor is $80 an hour)
Dustin: "I don't know...we might find it in an hour, or it could be two or three."
Me: "Ummm......so maybe $80, and maybe $240?"
I called Eric at work to discuss it, and he said to give them the go-ahead. We don't really have a choice here; Caroline needs to have a car to go to college and her two part-time jobs. If she uses my van it leaves the rest of us at home with no way to drive anywhere if there is an emergency, or if we have a doctor or dentist or optical shop or any other sort of appointment.

Trusting God to provide for our needs, and that He has a plan in mind, is just so hard for me sometimes. Yesterday He provided me with two people who helped me put things in perspective.

First, Eric reminded me that he would be praying for me and for the whole situation as he worked. He also reminded me about Job and all he went through; we haven't experienced anything like that, and I pray the Lord will spare us from such great suffering. Eric also reminded me of just how amazingly God has provided for us in the past. I need to trust Him to do so again.

My other encouragement came from my first piano student's mom, Melissa. She is a sister in Christ, and when she asked me "How are you doing?" I decided to be honest instead of just saying "Fine." So I shared my struggles, doubts, and exhaustion with her, and she listened patiently. And then she went one step further. When I said "whoops, look at the time, I need to start teaching him!" she stopped me and said "First, I'm going to pray with you." I don't remember all her words, but I do know that she put her arms around me and talked to God on my behalf, asking for His intervention and grace in my life. What a blessing to have friends like her! She even texted me later in the evening to see how I was doing. Thank God for friends who love the Lord and who lift each other up to Him in times of trial.


Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. (James 5:16 ESV)

Christians on Social Media

Easter is one of the two times of the year when most Christians post overtly Christian things on Facebook, Twitter, and other social media; the other time is, of course, Christmastime. I'm not even sure how to put my thoughts into words about this topic, but I'm going to try.

I don't think there is anything wrong with posting pictures of the cross, verses, hymn lyrics, words of praise and thanks for Christ's death and resurrection now at Easter time, or all of the relevant things at Christmas: mangers, angels, baby Jesus, wise men, shepherds, and all the pertinent Scripture. I'm not bothered by anybody posting those things; it's nice to be edified by seeing other believers share their thoughts. What I wonder is: Why do Christians post all of those things for about two weeks, or less, out of the year, but then seem to ignore them the rest of the year? Sure, there are a few people who post Scripture verses on a regular basis, or who reference the Lord in their status updates, but the emphasis on Christ's incarnation, death, and resurrection only happens twice a year. The rest of the time it seems that most Christians on various social media don't refer to their beliefs much, if at all. The impression the rest of the world gets is that Christianity only matters at these two major holidays.

Shouldn't we be celebrating Christ's death and resurrection on a daily basis? Isn't that the gospel? That Jesus Christ died for our sins, was laid in a tomb, and on the third day ROSE FROM THE DEAD? This is what we are to be preaching to the world on a regular basis, not just once a year. I am resolving to post something about the resurrection on a weekly basis on Facebook this year. Maybe somebody will ask why I'm posting about it, since it won't be at Easter, and I'll have the opportunity to share the gospel with them, the gospel that is for all days, not just one weekend a year.

It's a command, not an option.

Yesterday during our house fellowship we found ourselves in Matthew 6.  We are currently studying through the book of Matthew, and when you study straight through books you can't avoid the passages that you don't like....
I have written about being anxious before.  I just want to point out, again, to myself and anybody else who struggles with worry, that we are commanded  in Scripture not to be anxious:

Matthew 6: 25 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? [7]28 And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Philippians 4: 4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. 5 Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; 6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Wow. I make supplication to the eternal, holy God of the universe, and He blesses me with His peace. Again, wow.

Compared to Whom?

One of the things I've noticed that we women tend to do a lot of is comparing ourselves to other women.  This is especially true in the home schooling community, but I believe it happens in our churches, in the workplace, and among friends.  I don't know if men do it as much as we do, but I think it's a serious problem for Christian women.  We compare ourselves both favorably and unfavorably with other women.  We do this in the areas of looks, weight, house-cleaning, children's academic and extra-curricular success, personality, career, handi-crafts, and I'm sure many other areas.  We either look at someone else and then put ourselves down:     

"She's so much thinner/prettier/more stylish than I am!"

"Her kids are so smart and accomplished. Why can't my kids do all that?"

"She's so nice and has so many friends. I don't know how she does that."

"Her house is like something in a magazine. I wish mine looked like that."

"She knows how to sew/knit/crochet/smock/paint/you-name-it, and I don't."

Or we look at someone else, and then puff ourselves up:

"At least I'm not as fat as so-and-so."
"Her kid can't possible have done all of that. I heard he's failing math."
"She may have lots of friends, but they probably aren't all REAL friends."
"She must not spend any time with her kids in order to keep her house so nicely. At least I spend time with my kids." OR "Her house is a total wreck! What a slob."
"I know how to sew/knit/crochet/smock/paint/you-name-it, and she doesn't."

Why do we do this?  I'm not the only one, am I?  In my case it tends to be more the putting-myself-down side, as in, "I'm fat, my house should be neater, I don't push my kids enough, etc."  


Our culture fosters this attitude.  Just look at the magazines as you check out at the grocery store.  Better still, DON'T look at the magazines, since the women on them are totally photo-shopped anyway.  Comparing yourself to them would be a huge mistake.  But those magazines all focus on making us feel that we must compare ourselves to some man-made standard of beauty, intelligence, or accomplishment.
So, what to do.....
I talked to one of my friends on the phone today, and she was encouraging me to take every thought captive, even sharing with me a circumstance in her life where she has been struggling to take every thought captive.  This really is a heart-and-mind issue, one which gets at the root of our very being.  As a Christian woman, I need to see what God's Word says
about all of this:

2 Corinthians 10:12  Not that we dare to classify or compare ourselves with some of those who are commending themselves. But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding.ESV

Ouch!  Without understanding!  That rather hurts, doesn't it?  Paul was speaking in the context of defending his ministry and teaching, but I think there is a principle to be applied.  If we are not to compare ourselves to others, then to whom should we compare ourselves?

Ephesians 5:1 Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. 2 And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.  ESV

Philippians 2:5 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, [1] 6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, [2] being born in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. 9 Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, 10 so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11 and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. ESV

Over the next days, weeks, and months I'll be concentrating on comparing myself to the only One who really matters. 

Ligonier Follow-Up

We came back from the Ligonier Conference over a month ago, and I can hardly believe it.  The day after we returned, we jumped straight into our church's VBS, and Bobby went off to Boy Scout Camp.  Right after that week, we had a nice week of "staycation" while Eric took a week off work, and we went only 45 minutes from home, over to his parents' condo.  We enjoyed the beach and the pool as well as the peace and quiet.  For the past nine days Eric and Mary have been gone on a mission trip to Rochester, N.Y.  They should be home tomorrow afternoon.  And finally, three days ago Eric's parents came home from spending eleven months in Kenya, teaching at Rift Valley Academy.


The conference itself was intense.  From Thursday evening through Saturday morning we listened to nine speakers address a variety of tough questions that Christians face.  We skipped three of the sessions--one to go to bed at a decent hour Thursday night, one Friday afternoon so we could enjoy the pool at the enormous World Marriott where the conference was held, and one to be able to leave at a decent time Saturday afternoon.  If you're interested in listening to these speakers, you can do it here under the Video Archives section.  I'm going to list the sessions here by speaker and topic, and Scripture reference if they used one main passage.  If anyone is interested in reading my notes on any of these I would be happy to type them up and e-mail them to you.  Just ask.


John MacArthur--Why Did Jesus Have to Die?  2 Corinthians 5:18-21
Michael Horton--Is the Doctrine of Inerrancy Defensible?  2 Timothy 3:14-17
R.C. Sproul--What is Evil and Where Did It Come From? 
Derek Thomas--How do We Know Which Interpretation is Right? 2 Peter 1:16-21
Steven Lawson--Is the Bible Just Another Book?  2 Timothy3:16-17
Alistair Begg--Is the Exclusivity of Christ Unjust?  John 3:16-21; 7:37-44, Acts 4:8-13
Al Mohler--Why Does the Universe Look So Old?  Genesis 1:1-2:3
Burk Parsons--Is Calvinism Good for the Church?  Ephesians 4:1
Derek Thomas--If God is Good, how Could He Command Holy War?  Joshua 6:1-21


If someone asked me who my favorite speaker is out of this group, I would be hard-pressed to pick one.  MacArthur, Sproul, Thomas, Lawson, Begg, and Mohler were all phenomenal.  I had a much harder time following and staying focused while listening to Horton and Parsons, but they were okay, too.  Al Mohler's session on creation was absolutely amazing, as was R.C.'s talk on the nature of Evil.


It was a blessing for our family to be able to all go together to this conference.  I thank God for it.

Tough Questions

This week we're going to the Ligonier national conference in Orlando, Florida.  I'm excited to once again hear great teaching and wonderful music.  This year's topic is "Tough Questions Christians Face."  A few of the questions they are tackling:

Why did Jesus have to die?
What is evil and where did it come from?
Why do Christians still sin?
Is the Bible just another book?
Is the exclusivity of Christ unjust?
Why does the universe look so old?
Can we enjoy heaven knowing of loved ones who went to hell?

It will be interesting to hear the various speakers address these questions, some of which I have actually been asked by non-Christians or by recently saved Christians.  I hope that they do point out, collectively, that the answers to some of these questions are based on faith, which is itself a gift from God.

But How Do I Do It?

Philippians 4:6 tells us to "not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests by made known to God."  (ESV)


Okay.  I understand that.


But how do I DO that?  Practically speaking, how do I just NOT be anxious?  It's not possible for me to spend my entire day on my knees in prayer and supplication every time I feel a twinge of worry.  I have three kids to home school, laundry to do, house to clean, food to cook, and so on....So what do I do?  Do I just try to be in an attitude of prayer and supplication all day during all these activities?  How do I let go of worry and anxiety?  What if I've told God my worries and requests over and over, and still see nothing happening to lessen them?  HOW do we have faith when we've asked for it time and again, and yet feel like our faith is weak?  I know that God is Sovereign.  I know that He is good.  I know that He is loving.  I DO trust Him.  I have to just cling to those facets of God and trust that things will work out for His good and loving plan.  Just writing this post has helped me somewhat as I've been thinking about God's Word and what it has to say about these things:


"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you."  1 Thess. 5:18
“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matt. 6:34
"And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his life?" Luke 12:25
"And he said to his disciples, “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, nor about your body, what you will put on."Luke 12:22
"Lord, I believe.  Help my unbelief."  Mark 9:24


So....being in an attitude of prayer, and meditating on Scripture both help.  Any other ideas?

Words of Wisdom

Just came across this blog post about the busyness of the Christmas season.  Sally at Eternal Echoes has elucidated my thoughts exactly:

No wonder we are weary, we have lost the ability to truly rest, and have forsaken the wonder of waiting, replacing anticipation with headlong rush of activity adding stress to a season that sends bank accounts and relationships spiraling into disaster. How tragic that parents are judged not by the love, care and concern that they have for their children but by the size of the parcel they are able to provide. I speak to mothers who sacrifice bedtime stories and cuddles for part-time jobs simply in order to buy that latest toy for a child whose head has been filled desire for a toy that has been advertised solidly from September onwards. I speak to families stressed out by not being able to buy the approval of relatives and friends. I hear it from my own children as living on student loans they struggle to resist the perils of the season!

Advent is not about chocolate filled calenders it is a season of repentance and fasting just as Lent is, it is also a season of preparation, one that calls us not to look to the babe in the manger but rather to the risen Christ WHO WILL COME AGAIN.

The rest of her post is equally thought-provokoing.  It's nice to see others are pondering these issues and writing about them.


Hat tip to Dave Black for the link.

Two Trees

During our family Bible study this morning we discussed something that I had never really put into words before. We were talking about how the Bible is not only God's Word (inspired, inerrant, infallible) but also a great work of literature with all types/genres of writing in it(narrative, poetry, philosophical exposition, hymns, law, etc.) as well as all literary devices and great over-arching metaphors throughout. It's the greatest work of literature of all time. One of the symbols we see throughout the Bible is the tree: in the Garden--the tree of the knowledge of good and evil; in Psalm 1--the godly man as a tree planted by the water while the ungodly man is the tree that withers; in Revelation, the tree of life; and finally, the cross as a tree. We also see fruit used as a symbol: in the Garden (although I believe it was a real, edible fruit, it's also symbolic,) and the fruit of the Spirit; the word fruit is used 75 times in the New Testament.

Now the thing I had never really put into words before: In the Garden, Adam and Eve ate fruit off a tree, thus losing the innocence wherein they were created, and falling from that state into a state of sin. On the cross, Christ the Firstfruits of man ("But in fact Christ has been raised from the dead, the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep" I Cor. 15:20) was placed up on a tree and sacrificed atoning for our sin and allowing us to one day--in heaven--return to that state of innocence.

I think I need to do a word study on tree and fruit in the Bible to examine this symbolism more. I mean, I've always known that these words are used frequently, and I've heard sermons about them, but the idea of the fruit coming down off the tree and then Christ being put up on the tree is one I had never truly meditated on before...

The Blessings of a Christian Heritage

Something I've been ruminating on lately is how much I take for granted having grown up in a Christian home. There are a couple of reasons this is on my mind. One is that we had VBS last week at our church, and we had several children come from our community who had no previous experience with church. None. Some of these kids had never been in a church, never heard the Bible read or taught to them, never sung a song about the Lord. WOW. The other reason is that I have met and talked with several adults lately who, although they are Christians now, are suffering the consequences of their childhood/upbringing without any Christian influence. Their whole world view is different from the world view of someone who has been raised with a Biblical world view. They are struggling to learn what the Bible says about how they should live their lives, and to change how they live accordingly.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm perfect, have the perfect world view, and live a perfect life. Far from it. But I was blessed to grow up in a home in which: we studied God's Word together as a family; I saw my parents serving, worshiping, and praying; I was taught about modesty, sobriety, stewardship, and self-control (among other things); I learned that Christians CAN have a sense of humor, have fun, and have joy; I learned how to think Christian-ly (sorry for the made-up word.) My world view was shaped and molded in an environment that fostered both intellectual and spiritual pursuits.

Throughout my adult life I have been reminded often that not everyone grew up the way I did. Not everyone had parents who advocated lots of reading and musical development, cultural literacy as well as spiritual growth. Not everyone had parents who modeled a good Biblical marriage and parenting. Not everyone has been blessed as I have. Does this make me better? NO. Why did I have this advantage? I don't know. It surely humbles me...drives me to my knees to thank God for my parents, my in-laws, my husband, my children, and makes me appreciate them more.

I'll keep pondering it. And I'll keep it in mind as I counsel, pray for, and talk with others whose life experiences are vastly different from mine.

HOME

The children and I arrived home Friday evening, along with Eric's mom, after two long days of traveling. We are all still tired but we're thrilled to be home. I missed Eric so much while we were gone, and I definitely don't do the "single parent" thing very well. Saturday night a family from our new church had us over to eat dinner with them and some other friends, and that was great--I didn't have to cook, and the food was outstanding! (Thanks, Heather and Kenny!) Then today we went to church and were invited to another family's house for Sunday dinner. (Thanks Mrs. Leola and Mr. Donald!) It was another wonderful meal. What's even sweeter is the fellowship that we have with our new church family. It makes me thank the Lord again for bringing us to Chevis Oaks. This morning we all shared in the Lord's Supper together, and at the end we sang:

Blessed be the tie that binds
Our hearts in Christian love;
The fellowship of kindred minds
Is like that to that above.

Before our Father's throne
We pour our ardent prayers;
Our fears, our hopes, our aims are one
Our comforts and our cares.

We share each other's woes,
Our mutual burdens bear;
And often for each other flows
The sympathizing tear.

When we asunder part,
It gives us inward pain;
But we shall still be joined in heart,
And hope to meet again.

What a privilege it is to share in communion with other believers.

Do we cry like Jesus?

Wednesday night our pastor, Devin, addressed an issue that to be honest, I had never given much thought. As part of a series on "walking as Jesus walked," he taught us about the times in Scripture where Jesus cried. Now, of course I knew about these passages, and have heard many sermons about them, have read them, and have even thought about them. But I don't think I've ever really considered their application to my life. I always just thought that they showed a human, emotional side to Jesus; that they portray His humanity and deep sensitivity. Devin discussed them from this angle, too, but at the end he applied them to us as Christians. That's the part that really has me thinking over the last two days.

In our society we are taught that real men don't cry, at least not in public, but that isn't the picture we see of Jesus in the Bible. Let us see:

John 11:35 Jesus wept.
This happened in Bethany outside Lazarus' tomb, when Jesus saw the grief of Lazarus' family and friends.

Luke 19:41 Now as He drew near, He saw the city and wept over it...
Jesus knew the destruction that would take place not too long after this, when the Romans would come in and literally tear the city down. He knew the fate of the people, and even though they had rejected Him, He wept for them.

Hebrews 5:7-8 ...who, in the days of His flesh, when He had offered up prayers and supplications, with vehement cries and tears to Him who was able to save Him from death, and was heard because of His godly fear, though He was a Son, yet He learned obedience by the things which He suffered.
This is a description of Jesus when He prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane on the night before He was Crucified. We know that He was in such agony that He sweated drops of blood in addition to shedding many tears. He was in a deep emotional state as He looked ahead to the suffering He would endure.

We therefore see Jesus shedding tears in three different situations which I would sum up:
1. Compassion for others' grief and grief of His own over death and its hold on man
2. Sorrow for the lost, who face destruction both physical and spiritual
3. Deep personal anguish and suffering

Applying these to our lives, then, is simple yet intensely profound. Do we cry with and for others when they are hurting? REALLY cry over their sorrow? Not just tell them we love them and will pray for them but sit down with them and cry? Do we shed tears for the lost? Are we moved to such deep feeling for sinners that we weep for them and for the destruction they surely face? Do we cry out to God with "vehement cries and tears" when we are suffering greatly?

Perhaps I'm wrong about this, but I think many of us have become hardened and jaded in this area of our lives. We think that crying is a sign of weakness, or we don't want to be seen as emotional basket cases. I'm not advocating that we spend all our time crying and wailing, or that every Sunday be a huge emotional experience where we go to the altar and sob. After all, we are only told of a few times that Jesus wept. But I admit that I have tried NOT to cry over the last year, maybe because I fear that if I begin crying, the tears will go on for too long a time. Oh, there have been a few times I've cried--one night in choir the words of a song we were singing brought me to tears...("Sometimes we wait, simply to find, sometimes the answers come with time...there is a place where we rest in His grace, when sometimes we wait on the Lord.") I've been moist-eyed a few times in church, here and there. Usually I just try to get it under control as quickly as possible. But now I'm thinking--would it be cathartic to cry before the Lord with "vehement cries and tears"? How long has it been since I truly wept for the lost? How long since I had "a good cry"?

Being Disciplined--What I'm Learning

No, this isn't a post about whether to spank or not to spank. It's not even about spanking at all. I just thought the picture would get your attention.

I've been thinking a lot about what it is that God is teaching me through the difficult circumstances of my life. It's actually discipline, you know. Not the "you were naughty and must be spanked" kind of discipline, but the kind described in this definition. Part of the definition is: "1. Training expected to produce a specific character or pattern of behavior, especially training that produces moral or mental improvement." which then leads to "2. Controlled behavior resulting from disciplinary training; self-control."

We tend to think of discipline as always being punitive in nature, so when things happen in our lives that are unpleasant or produce suffering, we don't like to say that God is disciplining us. We often say that He is testing us, or has merely allowed these things to happen and will somehow work them for good. But if we see the word discipline as a good thing, a training, a teaching, our perspective can change. Go to Bible Gateway and do a search of the word "discipline." (I did the NASB and the NIV.) What rich treasures we find in God's Word regarding His love for His children and His discipline of us. Think of it this way--if Eric and I never disciplined/taught/trained our kids, we would be poor parents, indeed. See how God's Word echoes this:

Hebrews 12
God Disciplines His Sons

1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

4In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 5And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
6because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."

7Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? 8If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. 9Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! 10Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. 11No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

There are many other places in Scripture that encourage us to accept discipline joyfully. Job 5:17 tells us not to despise the discipline of the Almighty. Psalm 94:12 says we are blessed when God disciplines us. Proverbs 3:12 says that God disciplines those He loves.

So, I don't think God is punishing our family for anything with all that has happened, but I do think He is disciplining us, in order to make us better disciples. We are being stretched, and growing. We are learning patience, endurance, trust, long-suffering, hope, faith, and the utmost importance of fixing our eyes on Jesus. We are learning the grave importance of self-discipline in the areas of Bible study, prayer, and fasting.

What is it all for? What about that big question: WHY? Some people would say that we may never know until we get to heaven, and it's true we may never know the specifics of "why?" But I'd like to think that we do know the general reason: It is for making us more like Him. It is for molding us into His image, getting rid of the dross so that we may be purified. Ow, it's painful and unpleasant! But we sure are looking forward to that harvest of righteousness and peace.

Spirit of the living God, fall fresh on me.
Spirit of the living God, fall fresh on me.
Melt me, mold me, fill me, use me.
Spirit of the living God, fall fresh on me.

What's So Great About Christianity?

That is the question addressed by Dinesh D'Souza in his recent book of that title. In it, he uses evidence from history, theology, philosophy, and science to show the incredible impact Christianity has had on the world. If you are a Christian, as I am, you may be saying "Well, of course! I've always known this!" But wait--you may not be aware of many of the aspects of history D'Souza addresses in this book: the biased presentation historians give of the crusades while generally ignoring Muslim atrocities, and the numbers of people killed under atheist regimes compared to "Christian" killings i.e the Inquisition, the Salem witch trials, etc., D'Souza clearly elucidates these issues. His book is deep and complex, yet readable and understandable. I disagree with his position on reconciling evolution and creation,(At what point would man have been "evolved" enough for God to breathe a spirit into him? Were Adam and Eve not real people but rather archetypes of humanity as expressed in mythological literature? There are some questions here about the truth of the Bible) but in the other areas he addresses, I think he's right on the money. The last chapter becomes much more personal, as he describes what Christianity means to each of us as individuals. He ends the book with "Come quickly, Lord Jesus." D'Souza also has several other books that are worth reading:

The Enemy at Home
Letters to a Young Conservative
What's So Great About America
The Virtue of Prosperity
Ronald Reagan
The End of Racism
Illiberal Education

I especially appreciate the fact that he writes about conservative issues without becoming sarcastic, harsh, and vitriolic as some other conservatives do (Ann Coulter and Bernard Goldberg come mind.) If you want some good intellectual stimulation, D'Souza's books are just the thing.

Our Hairs are Numbered

So, I haven't posted in almost three months, and several of my relatives--my Dad and Mom, brother Peter, and sister Mary--have all nicely nagged me to get back to writing. I sure haven't stopped thinking....I guess my problem is that I'm always thinking that I need to have something earth-shattering to write about before I can post, or that my posts must be finely-crafted, witty, worthy-of-publication pieces. Well, enough of that. I'm going to start writing several times a week, even if it's utter nonsense.

Lately I've been thinking about Luke 12:7 "Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered."

Our family read the verse last week during family devotions, in its context of Luke chapter 12. But that verse just keeps playing over and over in my head. It has taken on a whole new meaning for me. I've always thought of it this way: God knows us each intimately in every way, even our bodies. But I never really thought of its literal meaning--He actual knows EACH OF OUR HAIRS. This year that means much more to me. I watched my son lose all his hair in April and May, then remain bald for three months. He was devastated, and refused to let most people see him without a hat on his head. His hair re-grew during July and August, first coming back in dark brown and very fine, like baby hair. Today it is back to his normal thick, wavy, beautiful coppery-red. Just the thought that God knows each of Bobby's hairs, and has caused them all to re-grow, is a beautiful thing. It shows us just how detailed our Creator is. It also tells me that God knows every cell of Bobby's body, and is in control of his recovery from cancer. What an amazing God!