Breast Cancer in the Time of COVID-19 Part 5: The Weirdness of it All

NOTE: For the Introduction to this series, with links to Parts 1-4, click HERE.

Now that I've written about how I found out about my breast cancer, how the battle began, the side effects of chemo, teaching online during chemo and COVID-19, my mental and emotional battle, and the support of family and friends, I want to sum it all up with this post about the utter weirdness of it all. It has been the strangest experience of my life, so far. Everything is different than I ever imagined 2020 being, and has been since January. 

It's strange enough to be told you have cancer. It feels surreal. Suddenly everything has changed, and other people are making you appointments for medical imaging, procedures, bloodwork, and chemotherapy. There isn't really any choice in the matter; if you don't have treament, the cancer will grow, and will eventually disfigure and then kill you. Your body goes into an ongoing fight-or-flight mode. At least this is how it was for me, in late January and throughout February into mid-March. Up until that point, I felt like I was handling things pretty well, juggling work and treatment and time with family and friends. But then another major event rolled into the mix.

The COVID-19 virus seemed like something far away back in January, when I was diagnosed. By mid-March, however, it was evident that this was going to affect our lives far more than we had thought. On March 11th it was declared a global pandemic, and as schools headed into Spring Break, we teachers were told that everything would be shutting down for two weeks, or more. Suddenly EVERYTHING was different. 

I knew that with a suppressed immune system I would be having to avoid large crowds and isolating myself somewhat during chemo, but I had no idea that my whole family would have to shelter at home, wearing masks to go do grocery pickup and wiping down the groceries with sanitizing wipes. We had no idea that the pandemic would last over three months, that friends of ours would lose their jobs, that the economy would be so affected, that uncertainty about infection rates, contagiousness, and personal risk would multiply, or that now, in mid-June, we would still not know when it will all be over. The anxiety of having cancer is multiplied exponentially by a health crisis of this magnitude. I'm sure it's the same for anyone with a health condition that makes them more susceptible to a virus, or with children who have underlying health issues. It feels like it affected all the areas of our life that the cancer had not yet touched.

Before the COVID-19 pandemic, I could have still been teaching, seeing friends, going out to eat, meeting with church family, and generally living a normal life except for being ultra-cautious about germs and illness. But with the shelter-in-place guidelines, all of that ceased. In a way, it took a lot of the pressure off me. I could teach from home, so if I didn't feel the greatest, I no longer had to make the decision of whether to go out and teach or call a sub. Dealing with all the side effects of chemo has most likely been easier for me because I haven't had to travel around to various locations to teach, and haven't had any pressure to go out and be social. 

Now that our state has begun opening up, it's still weird, mostly because of all the unknowns. How much longer will we have to be concerned about getting COVID-19? A few months? A year? Forever? How bad would the virus really be? Is it possible we have already all had it, or been exposed to it, and just don't know? Should we wear masks in public, or does that make us not breathe enough oxygen? How do we know what to believe that is written online? There are many things that are uncertain. 

When will our lives ever get back to normal? Or will they not? Will we have a new normal, a different way of doing things based on my having had cancer and our avoidance of COVID-19? These are still unkowns. I tend to concentrate more on the knowns: my family, my friends, the things I have to do each day, and the beauty of nature when I reflect on it. 

Fortunately, one thing has not changed during all of this: God. His presence in our lives has been a constant throughout all of this turmoil and trial. I have had peace and strength that can only come from Him. He is not surprised by all these events, and so the weirdness of it all is mitigated by the knowledge that He has a plan, even though we don't know what it is. Thus, I have had to trust Him and put my future in His hands, as I always have since the day I first began to follow Jesus Christ. My future has always been in His hands, even before I was diagnosed with cancer and before COVID-19 swept across the globe. That makes the "weirdness" seem unimportant, compared to eternal things.

And so, I conclude my official series on having cancer in the time of COVID-19, but I will continue to write about my experiences. After two more rounds of chemo I'll be having an MRI, then surgery, and then radiation. Many more blog posts to come...

Breast Cancer in the time of COVID-19 Series Part 3: My Mental and Emotional Battle

When you hear the word cancer what goes through your mind depends on your own experiences. Have you had cancer before? Has a loved one had it? What type of cancer? How did treatment go? Did they die? Was it a horrible experience? What emotions are evoked? We each have our own background and thus our own inner landscape regarding this word. When it turns out to be personal, that is, when we wind up being the ones with cancer, it launches a mental and emotional battle whether we are ready for it, or not. In my case, I was mentally ready to hear it for a variety of reasons, but I don't know if that has made this fight any easier. The mental and emotional battle, which is perhaps easier to call the spiritual battle, is an on-going, ever-changing confrontation in my mind between my fears, concerns, and uncertainty on one side and my sense of peace, calm, and trust in God on the other. 

Let me back up a little. When I was growing up, I didn't really deal with any relatives having cancer. I knew of various distant relatives who had it, or friends of friends, but nobody within my immediate circle was struck with cancer. Then, about fifteen years ago, my mother called me to tell me she needed a breast biopsy. This turned out to be a type of breast cancer called Ductal Carcinoma in Situ. My sweet, loving, wonderful mom had to have a unilateral mastectomy, and then take Tamoxifen, a chemo drug, for five years afterwards. This was scary, unsettling, and downright awful, but I never thought even once that my mom would die from it. The cancer was tiny, had not spread, and my mom kept such a great attitude throughout it that I did not fear. Then my father-in-law had prostate cancer. Again, this did not seem like such a big deal. He did radioactive seeding, and the cancer was defeated. Okay, we all thought, so there are cancers that are not such scary bogeymen, but are defeatable and manageable.

Then, in 2007, my eight-year-old son was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma. 

Whoa.

This was not the same. My sweet, loving boy's life was at stake. I knew how tough this fight could be. We basically lived at the hospital for nearly three months. He had five week-long rounds of chemo with nasty side effects, and he became a thin, pale, energy-less facsimile of himself. There were times I cried and asked God why he hadn't just given me cancer, instead. My husband did the same. We cried together, we prayed together, and we tried to trust and stay calm. I could write an entire book about the experience, and probably some day I will, but to sum it up here, it was awful.  We felt so powerless, and could only do what the doctors said to do, and comfort our son as best we could. Thank God, all of the chemo worked and within about three months he was declared in remission from the cancer. He has remained cancer-free ever since then. But the experience took a toll on our family, especially on our son, who still, sometimes, deals with the stress, trauma, and anxiety of those dark days. 

Eventually our family emerged into the light of the post-cancer stage, and moved on. We laughed, we celebrated holidays, we traveled, we learned, and we wound up not thinking about it too much anymore. Then, at Christmastime in 2017, we heard the word cancer again, this time because our daughter, who was then 20, had to have her entire thyroid removed because of cysts and lumps, and one of them turned out to be papillary carcinoma of the thyroid. Her recovery from the surgery had been quite rough, and it was at her one-week follow-up appointment that the surgeon spoke those terrible words. "We had a bit of a surprise on the pathology report," he said kindly. "One of the lumps was cancerous." My stomach began to churn and heave, but I stayed calm on the outside. I looked at her; she looked at me. "Okay, I said, what do we need to do?"

Here we go again. The uncertainty, the knowing that cancer can cause people to die, the sense of being powerless and helpless against this foe that does not care who you are, what you've done, or how you want your life to go. Cancer just invades and takes over.

For our daughter, the treatment consisted of radioactive iodine, administered after two weeks of a strict little-to-no-iodine diet. She then had to stay away from all of us for several days except for brief interactions. I delivered meals to her room and checked on her frequently. She has now had two iodine scans since then, and has been free of cancer both times. She has another scan this Fall. We're still paying off her medical bills from all of this. But we figured our family had dodged a bullet yet again, and could move on to the post-cancer stage, getting back to normal life. My daughter doesn't take any day for granted, though, and I think none of us do.

Now back to my current reality. You can read about how I found my cancer and was diagnosed here. I'll fast forward through the story, which began last November, to January 23rd, when my OB/GYN called me. For a few days, since my ultrasound, I had been trying out the words in my head: I have cancer. Somehow, after the ultrasound, my mind and heart knew the truth already, and I began to prepare mentally for it, so that when I finally heard the words, it was not the horrible shock you might think it would be. 

That Thursday I was eating lunch with three of my closest friends, knowing that I would hear something that day or the next. We were laughing and talking, just generally having a good time, when my phone rang. My OB/GYN is also a friend, since I've been going to her for eight years, and for a few years I gave her educational advice and support about her teenagers, when they were in high school. She is also my eldest daughter's OB/GYN, and delivered both of my beautiful granddaughters. She knows me well enough to know that I didn't need any sugar-coating or build-up. I just needed the facts. "It's cancer, Alice," she said.  "It's also in one of your lymph nodes, so you'll have to have the whole gamut of treatment, surgery, chemo, and radiation. I hate this for you." I hate it for me, too, I thought. I knew that she was truly sympathetic, as her sister is fighting ovarian cancer and she is worried about possibly getting cancer, too. I agreed to keep her posted on my treatment, and we signed off. I walked back to the lunch table, sat down, and told my friends, "Well, that was my doctor. I have breast cancer."

I HAVE CANCER.

All three of them took my hands, then stopped and prayed with me immediately. I sat quietly weeping, letting their words wash over me as they talked to the God of the universe, asking Him to give me strength, peace, calm, endurance, perseverance, and ultimately total healing. And thus the battle began with prayer and with the support of friends and family. (More about that in my next post.)

But the main battle, the mental, emotional, and spiritual battle, is inside my own head every day. We all have this battle, but for me having cancer has intensified the struggle to stay upbeat and positive. Negative thoughts and emotions can crop up any time, and it's an effort of the will to combat them. I try to do it with Scripture, and with common sense or logical thoughts.  Scripture helps immensely, and thinking logically about things supports my mental well-being. For example:

What if I don't beat this cancer, and I die from it? 

    Scripture: 2 Corinthians 5:1  For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens.  6-8 So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord.

    Common sense: All human beings die at some point; we just don't know when we will die. I could die tomorrow in a car crash, or from some other disease. There is no reason to walk around being frightened of dying. 

All of this treatment is horrible to go through, so I'm just going to wallow in self-pity and depression. Why do I have to go through this?

    Scripture: Romans 5:1-5 Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

    Common sense: My treatments are the best way that doctors have figured out to eradicate the cancer cells in my body, and I have various methods of dealing with the side effects. The unpleasant effects will be temporary, and are something I must endure in order to beat the cancer. I can do this, and come out the other side a stronger, tougher person.

You get the idea. Any question or thought I have can be answered thus. 

Not that I don't have bad times, but my inner monologue in general stays positive, rather than being negative about everything. Yes, I have doubts and fears. I want to grow old with my husband, and see all three of my children established in their own homes, and see my grandchildren grow up. I want to keep teaching for many years, helping many young people become better communicators of their thoughts and of what they have learned. I want to run with my friends, and go to the beach and swim, and hike trails, and play games, and play the piano and sing, and cook good food. I don't want to die from breast cancer in my 50s, or any time, for that matter.

But you know what? I can still do most of these things right now, and the few that I can't, I'll be able to do again in a few months. I can keep living life, even during treatment, and enjoy every minute of it. This is what we should all be doing, anyway: living life joyously and gratefully each day, since we never know what day will be our last. 

The battle continues...

Breast Cancer in the time of COVID-19 Series Part 1: Side Effects

The introduction to this series is here.

My side effects from Adriamycin (generic name is doxorubicin) and Cytoxan (cyclophosphamide) include nausea, fatigue & dizziness, changes in the color of my nails, intestinal upset, changes in taste, hair loss, and dry eyes and skin. These have continued to various degress under Taxol and Carboplatin. So let's take these one at a time. Please remember that side effects are different for each person. My experience may be completely different from yours, or your friend's or loved one's experience.

Nausea

The nausea during my A/C treaments kicked in pretty hard by Friday night or Saturday morning. I have two prescription anti-emeticss, Zofran (ondansetron) and Compazine (prochlorper) which can each be taken every eight hours, so you can alternate them every four hours to give constant coverage against the nausea. This worked pretty well during my A/C treatments. During my current treatments, with Taxol (paclitaxel) and Carboplatin, the nausea is not as bad when I just have Taxol, but the Carboplatin makes me feel really sick. This past weekend I had not felt sick at all on Saturday, so I didn't take any anti-emetic, and I woke up at 6:15 Sunday morning feeling really nauseated. It was too late to take a pill, and I threw up. A lot. Once the vomiting stopped, I waited about 30 minutes and took a Compazine pill. Zofran has to be dissolved on the tongue, and it tastes weird to me, so I chose the pill I could swallow with a sip of water. At 9:30 I started throwing up again. Again, I waited a while after I stopped puking, about 45 minutes this time, and then took a Zofran. Once I began alternating the two drugs, keeping both in my system, the nausea was under control. But I was exhausted from the vomiting, worried about dehydration, and unable to eat without feeling sick. I spent the day lying on the couch, sleeping and sipping on ginger ale, Powerade, and then Pedialyte that a friend brought over. It was a rough day. By late in the evening I was able to eat and keep down some thin mashed potatoes and a piece of toast with cinnamon sugar on it. Monday I kept alternating the anti-emetics, and was able to eat more normally, but still felt extremely tired.

Fatigue and dizziness

Using the word "fatigue" for how I feel these days just doesn't seem strong enough. The tiredness from chemo is a deep, bone-tired feeling, where you feel like you're carrying around half again of your body weight and your muscles don't respond correctly to your brain's commands. At least mine feels like that. I usually "crash" like this on Saturday afternoon, Sunday, and Monday, so Days 3-5 of each round (the day I get chemo is Day 1.) It makes me feel like all I want to do is sit and watch something, or play a game on the computer or my phone. Along with the fatigue comes dizziness when I stand up too quickly or bend down to pick something up and then rise up again. It's like how you feel when you've been terribly sick and are recovering, trying to regain your strength. Maybe you've never felt that way; I hope you never have. By Tuesday the fatigue lifts considerably and I start to feel more energetic again. But I usually don't feel totally normally physically anymore, not even by Wednesday or Thursday, and then I have more chemo.

Nail changes

One weird thing is that some of my nails have turned dark purple at the base or over most of the nail. It isn't very dark, but it's noticeable. My fingernails have also gotten sort of ripply and ridged. Apparently this is all normal and to be expected.

Intestinal upset

I'll forgo discussing the intestinal upset and just say that it can go two ways: the Immodium way, or the Colace/Miralax way. You can figure that out. 

Changes in taste

The first thing I noticed was that fruit tasted like soap. Then many other foods began to taste metallic or like chemicals. Many foods that I used to like now sound unappetizing to me. For a while, toward the end of my A/C treatments and while I had the sinus infection, I lost my sense of taste entirely, probably because I couldn't smell anything at all, and nothing sounded good to me to eat. (And before you ask, NO, they did not test me for COVID-19. I did not have a fever, sore throat, or deep cough in my lungs. I still wonder, though....) A few friends who are cancer survivors suggested I switch to eating only with plastic utensils, and that has helped tremendously. Since I've been on the two new chemo drugs, my taste buds have revived considerably. I am able to taste food better and enjoy eating again.

Hair loss

I lost most of my hair two weeks after I started chemo, back in March. On Day 13 after Round 1 it started coming out in handfuls. I decided to take control of it, and cut it short, in a pixie cut:

Then Eric helped me shave it into a mohawk:

But it was falling out horribly as I put stuff in it to spike it up, so I only kept the mohawk for about 15 minutes. Then we shaved it all off. I started wearing comfy chemo hats;

At that point, I hadn't started losing any eyebrows or eyelashes. Now that I'm on Taxol and Carboplatin, my scalp hair has begun to re-grow, and my brows and lashes are falling out. My lower lashes are almost totally gone, I have about half of my upper lashes, and my brows are seriously thinned out. I was using a lash serum the whole time on my lashes and brows, but they just can't hang on. I'm having to use an eyebrow pen to fill them in now. 

Dry eyes and skin

Finally, chemo has dried out my skin, even though I try to stay hydrated internally. My feet flake and peel, and my face, hands, and legs are horribly dry. Even my eyes are dry! I had to call my ophthamologist to get recommendations for eye drops, eye gel, and eye ointment that I can use during the day and at night to relieve the dryness. The eye dryness was worse on the A/C protocol, and has abated somewhat during T/C. But it's still there. I'm applying facial moisturizer multiple times a day, and body lotion on my arms and legs several times a day.

Well, there you have it. My side effects. 

Thoughts on a Sprained Ankle

Two weeks ago I sprained my left ankle while running a 5K race, a little over a mile into the 3.1-mile distance. Large rock in the trail = Ouch. Note to self: when you sprain an ankle during a race, you don't have to finish the race. I stupidly walked and ran the remaining 2 miles.

So, thoughts:

--RICE really does work. Rest, Ice, Compression, and Elevation. Air casts and crutches are great, too. My bruising is almost gone and I have good range of motion. I should be back to walking for exercise in another week, and running a few weeks after that.

--The bruising on an ankle can be quite terrifying and spectacular.

--Using the little drivable scooter shopping carts in Walmart so that you don't have to walk is a fascinating experience. I've done it three times now. The first time I went, there were no scooters available in the entrance to the store, and when I saw a lady leaving one out in the parking lot, and began limping toward it, a VERY LARGE woman sprinted past me, jumped on it, and smugly started driving it toward the store. Call me crazy but if you can run to beat somebody to the scooter, you shouldn't be on the scooter. When you are driving a scooter, the majority of the other shoppers act like they simply could not care less that you are currently disabled or in pain and need some sympathy and for them to GET OUT OF THE WAY!!!  This past Saturday I went, and since it was my third time on a scooter I must say my scooter-driving-skills are impressive. I don't bump anybody, or hit their carts, or sideswipe them, but I was sure tempted to do some of that when person after person would just stand right in the middle of the aisle talking to their friend or family member, completely ignoring me on the scooter. They should really put a horn on those things. Or increase their top speed to multiply the ramming potential.

--Being in pain all the time, even if it's mild and not excruciating pain, is tiring. For the past two weeks I have found myself feeling exhausted at the end of each day, and I think it's from the constant mild pain in my ankle and having to compensate with my right leg, as well as from using the crutches. It might also be because I have not been able to go running, and running (contrary to what many people believe) energizes and refreshes the body.

--Final thought: I'm going to take good care of my ankles from now on. It turns out they are an important joint for pretty much all of everyday life. Who knew.

Thoughts on Hurricane Matthew

Last Friday night, October 7th, was quite possibly the most frightening night of my life. As Hurricane Matthew barreled up the coast, we hunkered down in our living room.We had been in the "cone of uncertainty" for several days, but all the weather forecasts predicted that the storm would turn east and be pretty much a big nothing here in Savannah. Just a tropical storm, they said.  Toward the end of the week they began telling people they could evacuate voluntarily, just in case. Then on Thursday it became a mandatory evacuation for certain parts of the county. We decided to stay because all of the forecasts continued to be favorable for us.

They were wrong. The storm did not turn east. It continued inexorably northward as the evening wore on. What had begun as an almost-pleasant rain and some wind earlier in the day became a torrential downpour and strong gusts. We watched the weather reports, tooled around online, talked, and drank coffee, expecting the storm to turn at any time. Soon it became apparent that this wouldn't happen. We stayed up later, hearing the wind howl. Our neighbor came over, freaked out because the pond that is about 30 or 40 yards behind our house was rising rapidly as the storm surge came in ahead of the Matthew, at high tide. This led to Eric (and a couple of times, Bobby and me, too) going out multiple times during the storm to check the pond. We began praying that our house would not flood. I even went and moved some picture albums up higher, onto my dresser, from the lower shelf where they usually reside. My stomach felt sick. By about 2:00 a.m., just after high tide, the pond was only a couple of feet from spilling over its banks. Eric checked it again at 3:00 and it had stabilized. At this point the rain slackened some (we found out later that Hunter Army Airfield received 17 inches in about a 12-hour period!) and the wind speed increased. Gust after gust sounded like it would tear off our roof. Several times we heard thumps outside. I curled up on our loveseat, and Mary was on our couch. Eric went and got in our bed, but I couldn't sleep in there. Bobby had gone to bed at about 2:00 a.m. and slept through the worst part of the storm. I prayed, then prayed, and prayed some more, asking God if it was His will to please spare our house from major damage, and to protect our loved ones, neighbors, and friends. I finally fell asleep at about 4:00 or 4:30 in the morning.

I woke up at about 7:00 a.m. and realized that the wind had died down significantly. It was raining lightly, and the cloudy sky was getting lighter. We still had a few bands of wind and rain come through that morning, but by afternoon it was cool and sunny as everybody started to clean up their yards. Our neighborhood looked like a green leaf monster had regurgitated all over everything. Small limbs and twigs were everywhere. Our house was plastered with tiny bits of green on the two sides that had faced the wind. Across the street, our neighbor's pine tree's top had cracked off and fallen on his yard. Further down the street many trees were down on a house's roof and deck, destroying the deck. The main road out of our neighborhood was blocked by two gigantic trees that had fallen across it. It was this way all over the city.

Our power was out until Monday night, about 65 hours total. Many friends of ours were without power for 5, 6, and even 7 days.  For us, it wasn't that big of a deal. We own a camp stove and an old-fashioned stove-top coffee percolator. We had plenty of food and water, lanterns, flashlights, and batteries. But for some of our friends this storm was a big deal. One family had to be rescued in a boat during the storm as their house flooded. Another family had more than a dozen trees fall on their property, several on their house and garage. One man (whom we did not know) was killed here in Savannah when a tree fell on him in his bedroom. This storm has changed life for many residents.

What did I learn?
1. The Lord is near to us in times of distress. I could feel His presence during the storm, and He kept bringing various verses to mind to comfort me.
2. My kids play the piano a lot more when electronics are not an option.
3. It is strangely fun to camp out in your own home, with solid walls and a roof. It brought our family together. I think this is also a side-effect of going through something traumatic.
4. Next time we are in the cone of uncertainly I will evacuate, and to a pretty good distance away. A lot of people only went 30-50 miles inland to friends' houses, and they got really high winds and tree damage, too.

We are praying that Savannah will not get hit again with a storm like this for very long time.

I read two books recently....

....that really shook me up a little.  I got them both from our local library. The first was Making Supper Safe, by Ben Hewitt.

It's about our food industry and the lack of oversight which leads to food contamination. A good read, but also a little frightening. The only way we can ever be truly sure that our food is not contaminated is to grow it all ourselves, something which in our society today is nearly impossible to do. It makes me wish I had enough of a backyard to have a huge garden.

The other book was American Wasteland, by Jonathan Bloom.

This one is about the massive waste of food that goes on every day in our country, mostly due to the fact that we Americans want all types of food available at all seasons of the year, and we want it to look pretty and seem fresh-picked. Stores throw out thousands of dollars' worth of food every week. This book, more than the first, made me really stop and take stock of our own food consumption.  There isn't much I can do about food contamination in the supply line before we buy the food, but there is a lot I can do here at home to prevent wasting perfectly good food.

My current non-fiction read is The Smart-Aleck's Guide to American History, by Adam Selzer.

My sister-in-law and brother-in-law gave it to me for Christmas.  It's hilarious, but also a seriously well-researched book on American History. I'll blog more about it when I'm finished reading it.

It Isn't Cancer!

The doctor called me this afternoon and told me that the cells from the biopsy are NOT cancerous!  Praise the Lord!  I'm so grateful for the sense of peace that I had for the past week!  I realize now that I was holding on to some stress about it since when the doctor said it was benign I let out a huge sigh of relief.  He said they will keep an eye on it, see what it does, and do another ultrasound in a year.  Meanwhile, I'll be having a sleep study in a few weeks and then discussing with both my primary care doctor and the ENT the idea of increasing my thyroid medication in order to surpress this nodule.  We'll see.

Still Waiting..

I called the doctor's office yesterday to get my biopsy results, to be told that the doctor is not in the office until Wednesday.  The nurse with whom I spoke said that she is not authorized to give me any information, even though she had my chart and the results right in front of her.  Supremely frustrating.  We are not actually in control of our medical care no matter how much hospitals and doctors talk about "patients rights."  I guess we won't be finding out anything until tomorrow.

Sleep Study Failed, Semi-Trailer Prevailed

Last night I was supposed to be doing an at-home sleep study with the device pictured here:

But it was not to be.  (And yes, it's a little annoying wearing the device, but from what my Mom tells me it's a lot more comfortable than the sleep study they do at a sleep center, with multiple wires/leads hooked up all over you.)  As I lay down to sleep, I pushed the tiny "ON" button to start the device.  I heard a woman's voice say, "Unicorder is ON."  Great, I thought; I'm on my  way to finding out if I have obstructive sleep apnea.  But the nice lady's voice continued:  "Call tech support.  Internal check failed.  Study cannot be performed.  Code 5."  I called tech support.  I got an automated system.  There were numbers to push for Code 1, Code 6, and other general alarms, but nothing for Code 5.  After two more tries at starting the thing up, I removed it from my head and went to sleep.  I took the machine back to my doctor today, and my sleep study will be re-scheduled for whenever my doctor's office can get the little device fixed.

On my way home from returning the WM Ares Unicorder, I thought it would be nice to get my kids some junk food/fast food for lunch, a treat they don't usually get.  So I pulled through the drive-through at our nearest Wendy's, which is adjacent to our Walmart.  Fast food: got it.  I pulled out the access road from the Walmart parking lot, and stopped at a red light.  I was on the phone with my sister-in-law Esther (It's not illegal to talk on a cell phone while driving in GA.  Maybe it should be, but nevertheless....) and I saw a Walmart tractor-trailer turning in front of me into the entrance road on which I sat.  I was commenting to Esther that the semi seemed HUGE, when I suddenly realized that  he was not going to make the turn but was in fact going to hit my van in some manner.  My words to Esther went something like this:

"Are they making semis bigger than ever, because this truck seems enormous....he's taking the turn REALLY tight and awfully fast....I think he's going to hit me!  He's going to hit me!  HE'S HITTING ME!  HE'S HITTING ME!  Aaaaaaaahhhhhh! (screaming like a little girl)  Oh, okay, he's stopped!  THANK GOD!!!! He stopped!!!!"  Poor Esther.  Here is my little diagram of how the accident looked:

He stopped just before his back wheels were going to hit the front of my van.  Thank God he stopped!!!

So, to make a long story short:  I called the cops, they came, they wrote up a report, it wasn't my fault, the officer in charge was really nice and told me there was nothing I could have done without backing into the pickup truck that was behind me, and I am okay physically although rather shaken up emotionally.  There was actually a split second there where I thought that I might die.  It ran through my mind that it would be pretty terrible for Esther if I died while I was on the phone with her.  It also ran through my mind that I really don't want to die yet.  

Here is what our van looks like now.  It's really not that bad considering what could have happened.

Isn't it nice of God to give me some interesting things to write about now that I've determined to get back into blogging?  I'm only kidding.  I did learn some patience today through the sleep-study delay, and I learned once again that God is in control and has complete charge over our lives.  I'm grateful to be alive.

Things For Which I'm Thankful

(This is only a partial list and may be expanded later....)

My salvation. The Holy Spirit. His comfort and peace. His conviction of sin.
My wonderful husband. A good marriage. Laughter. Love.
Having grown up in a Christian home. My excellent parents and their patient wisdom.
My sweet children. Bobby's cancer is still gone. The girls are healthy and beautiful.
My great in-laws. My mother-in-law may very well be the best one ever. (I don't know all the mothers-in-law everywhere, so I shrink from making an absolute statement about how great she is....)
My allergies have abated somewhat, and are under control with Claritin and Flonase.
We have electricity 24/7. My washer and dryer work. We have heat. We can drink water straight from the tap.
Our church. What a blessing!
Good friends.
Chocolate.

In everything give thanks for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. I Thess. 5:18

ENT Visit....Nasal Rinsing

So, I went to the ENT, Dr. Rashleigh, yesterday afternoon. The good news is I don't have a deviated septum or any other physical abnormalities that could cause my sinus issues. The bad news is that I apparently have, as he put it, "severe allergies." So I'm now on the generics of Allegra and Flonase, and am doing nasal rinses--a procedure that feels as though you are trying to drown yourself. Weird, but it seems to work. You just have to get over your natural tendency to NOT want water to get up your nose. Once you tackle that psychological hurdle, it's pretty easy to do and cleans out your nasal passages with a salt-and-baking-soda type rinse. I grew up with a former-nurse-mom (or is that once-a-nurse-always-a-nurse-mom?) who always made us do salt-water gargles for a sore throat, and this seems to work on the same principle. The ENT wants me to do all of this stuff for a month, then stop it all abruptly in order to see if these are seasonal allergies (to some sort of pollen) or general-year-round allergies to dust mites, mold, etc. To find out definitively I will probably have to go to an allergist and get tested--to see what things I should avoid or change in my environment.

Oh...one last thing...THANK GOD for generic prescriptions!

To the tune of the Beatles' "Yesterday"

Allergies...
rhinitis is taking over me...
more snot than I thought that there could be...
oh, I'm beset...by allergies

Help me, please...
sneezing, coughing now exhaustingly...
is there any simple remedy?
oh, allergies have bested me...

why..they...will not go, I don't know! they're here for keeps...
my head's stuffed up tight and at night I cannot sleep... (oh, oh, oh)

Allergies...
and "non-drowsy" antihistamines...
will I ever see the end of these?
Oh, suffering from allergies...

Suffering...from allergies.

UPDATE:
Allergies...
off to see the ENT at 3:00.
A nice man whose name is RASHleigh...
otorhinolaryngology.

Vacation recovery, VBS, and Vertigo

We came home and spent a week recovering from our trip. Doing laundry, cleaning the house, finally doing my home school curriculum order, and spending some much-needed time with my husband filled the first week back. Then last week we had VBS at our new church. It kicked off on Sunday night and lasted through Thursday night, averaging 200 people each night. I helped in the Craft Shack, and had a blast. It was fun, if exhausting, to work with the children. I also had a great time getting to know the people I was working with. We are blessed to be at a church with a lot of people who have a great sense of humor and who enjoy laughing together.

The one blot on my week was on Tuesday morning when I woke up and the room was spinning. This condition, which is called vertigo, has plagued me a time or two before, and it comes from my having too much fluid in my inner ear canal. I usually take Zyrtec every day, and had forgotten to do so. Twice before vertigo has hit me in the evenings, which is not really a problem since I can just go to bed. This time it hit as soon as I got up. I couldn't keep my eyes open, or walk around without becoming nauseated. I spent the entire morning lying on the couch as perfectly still as I could. I took decongestant as well as Zyrtec, and by about 2 p.m. I could at least get up and walk around slowly, holding my head as steady as possible. I didn't go to VBS that night. On Wednesday I still felt a little dizzy, but by Thursday I was up'n'at'em.

On a very sad note, I read an e-mail today from my friend Denise, to find out that a little boy I've been praying for, Jair, has gone home to be with the Lord. He was fighting cancer and seemed to be doing great when, after the doctors tried an autologous bone marrow transplant, he reacted badly and became very ill. His parents, Teo and Lety, are now grieving the loss of their little boy. This hits me pretty hard. I can imagine their pain.

Also, this last week I tried to e-mail my friend Hilda in Puerto Rico, whose husband passed away in May due to cancer, and have not heard back. Nildi, I tried to write to you--did you get it? I love you!

Another Reason for Bobby's Cancer

2 Corinthians 1:3-5 reads:

3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 5 For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also abounds through Christ.

Over the past year our family has seen many reasons for our having to go through something as difficult as Bobby's cancer. We have seen spiritual growth in ourselves and others around us, we have had opportunities to witness, and we have learned to be content in whatever situation God puts us in. (Okay--we're learning to be content...)

Now we have a new reason. Last week the social worker from the oncology clinic, Donna, called us to find out if we would be willing to reach out to another family whose little boy has just been diagnosed with cancer. She really wanted to know if we felt recovered enough to take on something like this, and I told her that we are. So Monday night we went out to eat with another family who are just starting out on the long journey of cancer treatment. I have not sought their permission to use their full names on here, so I'll just use first names.

Jesse and Vicky have three children ages 11, 8, and 4. A few weeks ago their lives were totally normal, with Jesse working as a pastor of a local Southern Baptist church, and Vicky working three night-shifts a week as a nurse at a local hospital. About three weeks ago, their oldest child, David, started to notice that his left foot wasn't feeling right. He was dragging it a little, and didn't feel like he could tell it what to do correctly. He told his parents that he was thinking what his foot should do, and it was not responding with the action. This condition worsened over a few days, and they sought medical help. Within a week they had their answer: David had a brain tumor.

Two weeks ago David had the tumor removed from his brain. The pathology report shows it to be an anaplastic ependymoma (translation: malignant, no-good, low-down, dirty-rotten cancer.) The doctors believe they got it all out during his surgery, but this does not mean that there aren't cancer cells hiding in the surrounding tissues. Because of this possibility, he is now facing eight weeks of radiation treatments. This sweet family's entire lives have been turned upside-down.

As we sat and talked with them Monday night, we realized just how thoroughly God has prepared us to be able to help, comfort, and encourage Jesse and Vicky. Bobby was able to answer a lot of questions for David and encourage him, too. We can share experiences, give advice, give comfort, pray with them, and uphold them during this time. It was nice for them to have somebody saying "We know exactly how you feel." It reminds me of last March when the Botelhos came to visit us in the hospital and we shared an immediate bond. There is the bond of brother/sisterhood in the Lord, and the bond of parents dealing with a child with cancer. We really do know how this family feels. We can now comfort them with the same comfort with which we have been comforted.

As for David, he's doing remarkable well. He is recovering from his tumor resection well, and only has residual weakness on his left side and loss of balance. He is starting physical therapy this week, and is also have a spinal tap to check his cerebro-spinal fluid for cancer cells.

How wonderful for our family to see that God will use us to come alongside this precious family and help them through this time. As we left the restaurant on Monday night, we gathered around David as he sat on a bench just outside the door. We laid hands on him and lifted our prayers for healing to our loving, gracious, merciful Father God. Please join me in praying for healing for David.

P.S. His mom is setting up either a caringbridge or a Care Pages web site for him. I'll post the link as soon as I get it.

A Year Ago....

Today marks one year since we returned from living in India so that our son Bobby could be treated for lymphoma. I can hardly believe it's been that long, and yet on the other hand it seems like it's been forever. I can truthfully say that it has been the hardest year of my life. We have faced the possible death of our son, watched him go through chemo and all that it brings, waited for results of scans to see if he's cancer-free (still waiting...) and had a total change of career and
direction in life. We are still waiting in that regard, also. What I have learned is that I must not give up trusting in the Lord and having faith that He is in control. Even when things seem dark and hopeless, "there is no pit so deep that God's love is not deeper still," as Corrie Ten Boom and her sister Betsy said in the concentration camp. In that vein, I've been thinking of these word by Samuel Trevor Francis today:

O the deep, deep love of Jesus, vast, unmeasured, boundless, free!
Rolling as a mighty ocean in its fullness over me!
Underneath me, all around me, is the current of Thy love
Leading onward, leading homeward to Thy glorious rest above!

O the deep, deep love of Jesus, spread His praise from shore to shore!
How He loveth, ever loveth, changeth never, nevermore!
How He watches o’er His loved ones, died to call them all His own;
How for them He intercedeth, watcheth o’er them from the throne!

O the deep, deep love of Jesus, love of every love the best!
’Tis an ocean full of blessing, ’tis a haven sweet of rest!
O the deep, deep love of Jesus, ’tis a heaven of heavens to me;
And it lifts me up to glory, for it lifts me up to Thee!

I really like the ocean imagery, and the idea of a restful haven. Also, it reminds me of this passage in Ephesians. So we'll press on, knowing that God knows the plans He has for us, even if we don't. And even if this next year is as hard as the last one has been, or harder, I will still praise Him.

Spring has Sprung in the South

Yes, I'm still alive, any of you who have checked my blog and despaired of me ever writing again. We were gone for three weeks, and then our internet wasn't working, and now it is, and here I am. So--what's new with us? Well, we are withdrawing from service with our company as of March 15th, and my husband is job-hunting. We have all had a terrible "flu-like" upper respiratory infection, and are just getting over it. Our son Bobby had a PET scan a few weeks ago that was NOT clear, but he was sick at the time, so he has to have it repeated in a few weeks. The doctor thinks it's a false positive. But I ask myself these days--at what point will I stop wondering if the cancer is coming back? When does life REALLY get back to normal? What is "normal" anyway? As for blogging--I sympathize with my friend Renata--I, too, have so many things going through my head that it's hard to know where to start blogging.

The blessings have continued:
--Time spent with my parents, my brother Jon and his family, and our friends the Irwins.
--Rothwell Baptist Church is still letting us live in their "Chatham House."
--Unexpected financial blessing from some friends who were led by the Lord to send us some money.
--It's great to live so near Eric's parents, and his sister and her husband (and Teddy--let's not forget Teddy!)
--I've been able to talk to my Indian friend Pintu a few times on Skype--it has been wonderful to be in contact with her. And she assures me that if we go back to visit, we are always welcome in their home. What a lovely woman she is!

I've been reading. (duh!) Those of you who know me well know that I'm never without two or three books-in-progress. I'll just list some of my recent or current books, and next post I'll review one of them:
Family Driven Faith by Voddie Baucham
Culture Shift by Al Mohler
What's So Great About Christianity? by Dinesh D'Souza
The Power of a Praying Parent by Stormie Omartian
Carry On, Mr. Bowditch by Jean Lee Latham

Home schooling calls, so I'll leave you with some pictures I took this morning in our front yard. (These are especially for my parents :) ENJOY!!!

Today Resolutions

This is the time of year when many people make "New Year's Resolutions" which they plan on putting into effect on January 1st, saying "2008 is the year that I will finally..lose weight, do my devotions daily, not lose my temper at my kids, send everyone I know a birthday card (on time,) spend more time with family, keep the house sparklingly clean, make sure my car has all needed maintenance on schedule, tithe regularly, go on a monthly date with my spouse"...you get the idea. Then they go out and do whatever they want for the next few days with the idea that they'd better get in all their fun before they have to shape up and start living up to their resolutions. I'm not saying that it's wrong to make some decision to change for the better, or to make long-range life goals. In fact, I need to make some of those resolutions myself..or maybe all of them. But why wait until January 1st to start? Why not start today? One resolution I have made is to stop procrastinating. I read Mick Huckabee's book Quit Digging Your Grave with a Knife and Fork: A 12-Stop Program to End Bad Habits and Begin a Healthy Lifestyle recently, and one of his main points is that people need to stop putting off change for lame reasons that don't really matter. So my problem with New Year's Resolutions is two-fold. First, if you break them it's too easy to say, "Well, I didn't make it this year, I'll try again next year" or to just give up, thinking that you have no will-power. Second, we try to make these changes on our own, as though somehow if we just wish for it enough or think about it enough, we'll change. A better approach would be to look back over the past year, confessing to the Lord the ways in which our lives have not pleased Him, and asking for His help to change. Change may be painful, but it can happen slowly and steadily in our lives.

So I propose making Today Resolutions, which would sound something like this: "Today, with God's help and under His guidance, I will strive to (insert resolution here). If we fail at it, we ask God's forgiveness and make the same resolution the next day. We lean on His strength and not our own to change. We enlist accountability partners to check on us and our progress. We scrutinize our lives for what small things need to change in order to effect change on a grander scale. And speaking of scales, that's my first Today Resolution: never get on a scale again Instead of worrying about the scale, I need to exercise daily, eat healthy balanced meals, and avoid refined sugar and fried foods. But I can only do this with the Lord's help. I'm not waiting for January 1st to make some resolutions in my life. I'm starting today.

Why Can't I Think Straight?

Yesterday I called the way I feel inside my head lately "mind-fog." I can't think of a better way to describe this. I feel as though my brain has dropped down to about a two-thirds capacity working level--thinking, writing, concentrating, and being productive mentally are all much harder than they should be. So the big question is WHY?

Obviously, what we are going through does play a major part in this. I have been living at an elevated level of stress for almost a year now, and the last three months that stress level was kicked up a few notches. It's hard to get good sleep in the hospital when Bobby is in-patient, and even when he's out I tend to wake up a lot at night and have trouble going back to sleep. I wouldn't say that I'm am worried a lot, but stressed is definitely a good descriptor. But I think there is more going on here than the stress over Bobby. I have two other ideas for how I feel: first, it may be that my hormones are out of whack, and my thyroid is not doing so well. I'm already on thyroid medication, but perhaps it would benefit me to go to an endocrinologist and have a full check-up. Of course, the hormone thing could be triggered by the stress....Second, it may be that I'm dealing with an allergic reaction to the fairly new paint in this house. I have had trouble with these same symptoms before, and the only thing we could relate them to was new paint. The solution to this would be to make sure I spend a decent amount of time outdoors each day breathing fresh air. And perhaps I should see an allergy specialist.

There is a spiritual side to this as well. Through all of this the Lord has been teaching me that throughout my life, and especially the last several months, I have tried to rely on myself too much and not on Him. He is showing me that the only way I can get through this difficult time is to lean completely on Him, casting all my cares (stress/anxiety/worry)on Him. I confess that I often fail at this, instead believing that I can handle things on my own (after all, I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and people like me!*) I have been way too self-reliant all my life, and I think the Lord is teaching me that self-reliance is the quickest way to failure. This morning I re-read Proverbs 3:1-8.

My son, do not forget my teaching, but let your heart keep my commandments, for length of days and years of life and peace they will add to you. Let not steadfast love and faithfulness forsake you; bind them around your neck; write them on the tablet of your heart. So you will find favor and good success in the sight of God and man. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away form evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.

Today I plan on spending some time confessing sin, praying about how I can be more faithful and steadfast, and asking God to help me keep leaning on Him and not on my own understanding. I could sure use some "healing to my flesh and refreshment to my bones."

*this is a reference to a Saturday Night Live skit from the '90s, for those who don't know

How I'm Doing These Days....Really...

So, I've been nagged second-hand by a certain person, who shall remain nameless here, that I need to post on my blog after my last few weeks of silence. I believe the smarty comment had something to do with wanting to know whether my advanced age (40) has anything to do with my seeming inability to blog. Now, this particular person should know that this is not the case, as he seems as prolific as ever on his blog! No, the problem is that I've been thinking so many deep thoughts that I just don't have the time to write them down.

But seriously...I haven't been writing for several reasons, which I'll try to describe cogently but succinctly here.

First, when I've had time to be on the computer I have spent it updating Bobby's Caringbridge site or reading other people's blogs and commenting on them. Second, other free time has been spent reading "Desiring God" by John Piper, and "Eragon" by Christopher Paolini. How is that for juxtaposition? Both books are pretty good...I'll give my opinions in a minute. Finally, I haven't been writing because my brain seems scrambled and scattered these days, and it's hard to put thoughts together coherently. I am very tired and stressed, and honestly not doing as well as a few weeks ago when I wrote this.
I'll post tomorrow about why I think I've been feeling this way (some of you are thinking "Duh! Her little boy has cancer.") I don't think that's all there is to it, but today I want to write about the two books I just finished.

"Desiring God" should be required reading for all Christians. In it, Piper explains his thoughts on "Christian hedonism," the idea that we are to ENJOY God, not just fear and obey Him, and how this brings Him glory. He discusses the concept of duty vs. enjoyment and how it relates to loving others, stewardship, worship, marriage, missions, suffering, and other aspects of our lives. It took me a while to read through because it seemed that nearly every page convicted me of something in my life or made me stop and ruminate. I have begun to ask myself--Do I truly enjoy and delight in the Lord? Do I do things in my life out of a mere sense of duty or obligation or do I strive to honor the Lord by serving Him GLADLY? I finished the book feeling challenged, with a renewed sense of purpose and commitment. If you haven't yet read it, I would encourage you to get your hands on a copy.

"Eragon" was a much easier read, and I actually read it because my 13-year-old, who writes book reviews of her own, had finished it and enjoyed it. I did enjoy the book, but couldn't help noticing the plot's similarities to "Star Wars." Apparently I'm not the only person who thought this. Let's see: a young man living in an Empire, being raised by his uncle, finds something unusual, sees his uncle killed and the family farm burned, meets an old man who begins to tutor him in the ways of the Force, er, I mean magic, goes on a journey with the old man and is given a sword, meets a sidekick/friend, saves a beautiful princess from jail...you get the picture. The parallels are not perfect but are strong enough to seem annoying. The descriptions seem overblown and the dialogue somewhat forced. The fact that it was written by a 15-year-old mitigates the book's problems somewhat, and I do think that Paolini will be a name in the realm of fantasy lit for a long time if he continues to churn out books at his current rate. I haven't seen the movie yet, but since my sweet daughter has it on hold at our library I'm sure that will happen soon.

As for my current reading, I have moved on to "Suffering and the Sovereignty of God" edited by John Piper and Justin Taylor. I'll post a review of it in a few days.

Tomorrow I'll write about my general mind-fog...

How Am I Really Doing?

I've had several people ask me lately, "How are you doing?" When I say, "OK" or "Pretty well considering the circumstances" I often get a knowing look, and then the person says, "No, how are you REALLY doing?"

All right, people, stop it already! I am not the kind of person who lies and says I am fine if I'm really not. The truth is I really am doing okay, better than I thought I would be during all of this. This can only be attributed to the Lord. He has given me peace and strength and endurance beyond anything I've ever imagined.

Sure, I have my down moments. I feel tired and stressed. I often wonder about our future, about Bobby's future. I get teary-eyed over simple things. All of this is normal. But the fact is that most of the time I am feeling the presence of the Lord very closely--and how else could I be going through this? I am doing okay as long as I daily, and often many times a day, consciously lay my burdens at the Lord's feet and let Him carry them for me. It's on days when I try to shoulder the burden on my own that I start to falter. The Lord is really teaching me my need to trust Him and give Him utter control of my life. And I praise Him for it!